I Did WHAT?
by Orange Lantern Tsume
Summary: Harry gets sugar high, goes on a rampage! Malfoy farts in class, Snape gets zits, and Filch gets ruined! And what's the big secret with Ron, Ginny, and Harry? R&R please! COMPLETE! Sequel planned: The cheeseburgers are coming for Ron!
1. I Feel Great

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: God, no one ever reviews my stories for this genre.  
  
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Chapter 1: I Feel Great  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry was eating breakfast when he noticed he was quite thirsty. He began gulping down the pumpkin juice more than was normal, and Hermione and Ron could only stare.  
  
"What?" asked Harry when he had finished drinking.  
  
"Harry, are you feeling okay?" Ron asked.  
  
"I was just thirsty," Harry said, experiencing a tingling sensation. He gradually felt much better than he normally did.  
  
During Potions, Snape had everyone make a Swelling Potion and was strutting about inspecting everything. Harry, however, was feeling very sure of himself, full of energy, and he flicked a fish eye into Goyle's potion when Snape wasn't looking.  
  
The Swelling Potion began to fizzle, but Snape was nearby and disabled Harry's fun.  
  
'Asshole,' Harry thought sourly. He did a javelin throw to toss a couple of porcupine quills into Malfoy's potion, which made it explode right in the loser's face.  
  
"Who did that?" Snape demanded, looking around the dungeon.  
  
Malfoy seemed to snicker and then gave an almighty belch. "Sorry."  
  
Harry knew the potion would take full effect swiftly once Malfoy became more active, and with the run needed to get to Transfiguration, his blood would be pumping, and the potion would work.  
  
And the end of Potions, the bell rang and everyone who was needed there hurried to Professor McGonagall's room. Harry had a HUGE, VERY EVIL grin plastered on his face.  
  
"Harry, is something going on?" Ron asked.  
  
"Just watch."  
  
Malfoy took his seat, squirming a little. The potion was slowly working.  
  
As the lesson was halfway through, McGonagall stopped by Malfoy's desk and he gave a huge belch that sent the witch rocking back on her heels.  
  
"Malfoy, control yourself!" the professor scolded.  
  
"Sorry, professor, I didn't mean to!" Malfoy apologized, but gave another belch when he finished. This one had a foul smell to it. Harry and Ron were snickering madly.  
  
"Malfoy, show some restraint!" McGonagall scolded.  
  
Malfoy's body did its work, and he felt his stomach knot before giving the mother of all farts. Professor McGonagall grabbed her nose and staggered away, coughing. Malfoy was glowing red with embarrassment.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry kept feeling like a million bucks. He decided to chance it and tossed one of Fred and George's stink bombs across the floor to under Malfoy's desk.  
  
It exploded, and the classroom had to be evacuated.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"Ron, come look at this!" Hermione said.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Someone spiked the pumpkin juice with a spell when Harry drank it! He's going to be sugar high for who knows how long!"  
  
"That doesn't sound so bad."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Harry was ready for his Quidditch match against Slytherin. He felt better than he ever had in his entire life, and knew his team would win.  
  
They all began playing, and Harry almost fell of his broom laughing when Malfoy scattered his own team with a loud fart.  
  
"God, Malfoy, that's sick!" Marcus Flint snapped.  
  
"Sorry!"  
  
Harry flew over Malfoy's head, expertly dropping a bag of itching powder into his robes.  
  
As the game progressed, Malfoy kept scratching himself madly. He even fell off his broom when he had to use both hands to scratch a spot.  
  
"This game is ruined!" Snape said. "Someone has tampered with things, I know it! Potter should be held responsible!"  
  
"Oh, shut your hole, you slimy git!" Harry said as he flew by, easily tossing a water balloon onto Snape, the contents of which turned his robes bright pink.  
  
"POTTER!"  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Harry was punished for his little attack on Snape's ego, and he had to sit inside Gryffindor Tower while everyone else celebrated Dumbledore's birthday.  
  
'I need to show people just how special I am!' he thought to himself. He grabbed some materials, some sewing items, and got right to work.  
  
A half hour later, Harry emerged, wearing a green top hat with a 10/6 card, a green tailcoat, green slacks, and an orange vest.  
  
'Now I need a name.' Since he was seemingly going mad, he decided something like the Mad Hatter would be good. But he wasn't a hatter; he was Harry. 'Mad Harry!'  
  
Slipping out while the Fat Lady was amazingly asleep, Harry stalked the corridors until he snuck into the library, and began looking up as many spells as necessary for his rampage.  
  
'Oh, I need to use this!'  
  
He memorized the one spell and hurried to Trelawney's room. Breaking in, he started using the Glue Charm he had found.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Filch spotted a student and yelled, "Hold it right there!"  
  
Harry turned and smiled. "Hello, dimwit!"  
  
"Potter!"  
  
"Mad Harry, actually."  
  
"I have you now, Potter!" Filch said, strutting to Harry from the other end of the hall. "You'll get a lot of detentions if I have any say in it."  
  
"You're forgetting about that one thing."  
  
"What thing?"  
  
"The tricks and traps."  
  
As Filch approached, he toppled forward on a tripwire. Snarling, he got up and ran to Harry, only to trip on another wire.  
  
"Potter!" Filch roared, jumping the last tripwire and chasing Mad Harry down to Snape's dungeon. Harry grabbed a ring he had glued to the ceiling with the Glue Charm, pulling himself up and out of danger.  
  
Filch ran into the room, sliding across the floor as if on ice and smashing into a whole set of jars. Screaming about it all, the loser got up and brushed some of the animal parts off before stalking slowly towards Harry. "I'll have your head!"  
  
"Duck."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
A charmed set of jars from another wall flew forward and began pelting Filch, causing him to go wild as he tried to dodge. Harry skipped out and magically locked the moron inside.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Ron and everyone had finished celebrating, and were heading back when Dean snagged on a tripwire.  
  
"What's this doing here?" Seamus asked.  
  
"Is Harry still inside?" Hermione asked.  
  
Ron shook his head after checking. "He's gone."  
  
"But where could he have gone to?" Hermione wondered.  
  
Just then, everyone heard a roaring fury echo through the castle.  
  
"Harry," Ron and Hermione said, dashing off.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"It was Potter," Filch said to Snape. "He's calling himself Mad Harry, and he's dressed like the bloody Mad Hatter!"  
  
Snape blinked in surprise. "He's gone off the deep end, then. This will make it all the sweeter when he's expelled!"  
  
"But he has to be caught first!"  
  
"Oh, I hate that part!"  
  
"Hey, Snape, your parent were a baboon and an aardvark!" Harry called from the far end of the hall.  
  
"Get him!" Snape bellowed, leading Filch on a wild chase.  
  
When they reached the stairs, Harry hopped off the edge of one as he landed on another set that had just begun moving below him.  
  
"Blast, we lost him!" Filch cursed.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Professor McGonagall's classroom needed some redecorating, Harry decided.  
  
He pulled his wand and set all kinds of traps. Only he could find them, unless Fred and George were going to try and stop him.  
  
Malfoy and McGonagall had the most traps on their chairs. Harry began to laugh maniacally as he finished up, barely able to contain himself.  
  
"Potter, we have you now!" Snape said as he advanced, followed by Filch and Mrs. Norris.  
  
"I wouldn't."  
  
"Too bad!" Snape smirked. He tripped the first trap, causing a bucket of special potions onto his entire body. Filch stumbled away, and was victim to a rod shooting out from a wardrobe and stinging him in the butt with a needle. He howled in pain.  
  
Mrs. Norris hissed and ran away, and Harry didn't bother with her.  
  
Harry skipped down the halls until he met a very familiar, very lovely angel. "Why, I think we should get to know each other better."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Harry was very tired when he reached the common room, and fell asleep still dressed in his alter ego from prankster hell.  
  
He woke up the next morning. Stretching and yawning, Harry got dressed for school, a half-hour before classes began. Ron and Hermione were waiting for him at breakfast, and Harry ate to get his energy up.  
  
"Harry, do you remember anything about last night?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Not much. I think I'll recall more later. Why?"  
  
"Well, you kind of vanished, and Snape and Filch want you in your grave this instant."  
  
"Oh, and a whole bunch of classrooms were really ruined," Ron added. "Snape's dungeon's totally trashed! Class has been called free in the rooms that were wrecked!"  
  
"What else happened?" Harry asked.  
  
"Well, Filch is still limping around oddly from getting pricked a full inch in the butt with a sewing needle. Snape is in the medical ward, kept from view," Hermione said. "I heard he was covered in several potions mixed together, and that made a special Zit Potion."  
  
Ron coughed heavily into his drink. "Snape's covered in zits? That's hilarious!"  
  
Harry and Ron laughed heartily.  
  
"Not just any zits, either," Hermione corrected. "These zits spew glowing pink pus and they itch like you wouldn't believe!"  
  
The boys laughed harder than they had ever laughed before.  
  
"What else happened?" Harry asked.  
  
"Well, at the Quidditch match against Slytherin, you dropped some itching powder into Malfoy's robes and it drove him wild, costing Slytherin the match," Ron snickered. "That, and you turned Snape's robes pink with a potion inside a water balloon."  
  
"You forgot to say how Malfoy was belching and farting all day," Hermione added.  
  
Harry couldn't believe this all, laughing so hard. He almost wet himself.  
  
When he calmed down enough, he asked again, "What else?"  
  
"Harry!" Ginny cried, jumping onto his back and crushing him with a hug.  
  
"Huh?" the young wizard said.  
  
"Oh, and you and Ginny got hitched," Hermione said.  
  
"WHAT?" Harry gaped.  
  
"You met her last night when you were nuts, swept her off her feet, and married her. Look, you even have rings!"  
  
True enough, Harry and Ginny had rings on their fingers.  
  
"McGonagall found you made them from some trophies you swiped," Ron said. "You know what this means?"  
  
"That I have a ball and chain now?"  
  
"That we're brothers!"  
  
********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: That wasn't too crappy, was it?  
  
I will write more if I get enough reviews! 


	2. Family Matters

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Sorry for the wait, and thanks for the reviews!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Chapter 2: Family Matters  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry stared at Ron, feeling his arms go numb.  
  
'Oh, wait, they're only numb because Ginny's hugging the crap out of me,' he told himself.  
  
"Ginny, I think you're squeezing Harry too hard," Hermione said.  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Ginny apologized.  
  
"Who cares?" Ron said. "Me and Harry can finally become closer friends!"  
  
"Ron, I don't think that was the smartest thing to say," Hermione told her friend. "I mean, the implication is that you love him."  
  
"Like a brother?" Ron asked.  
  
"More like a homosexual," Hermione replied.  
  
"Not like that!" Ron said.  
  
"What's that, Weasley?" Malfoy called. "You want to sleep with Potter? That's repulsive!"  
  
Harry felt a tingling sensation, and he changed into his alter ego self type thing. "What's that, Malfoy? Your dad used to be a museum curator until they caught him with some helpless stuffed gorilla? I can't believe he made love to a stuffed animal."  
  
Malfoy was furious. "You'll pay for that, Potter!"  
  
But Professor McGonagall heard the last two comments. "Both of you have detention for those words!"  
  
Both boys groaned.  
  
"And you will serve your detention in the trophy room with Mr. Filch."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Ha, got you now, Potter!" Filch leered.  
  
"Tell me one thing, Filch," Harry requested.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Are those teeth yours or did you steal them from another homeless person?"  
  
"Just for that, you get the most trophies to polish!"  
  
"Did you say Polish? I'm not Polish, I'm English."  
  
"Potter!"  
  
"Did you say Potter? But I'm a wizard."  
  
"I'm warning you!"  
  
"Your name is Warren U. I never heard of a name like that."  
  
Filch looked like he was about to explode. "GET TO WORK!" he roared, shaking the walls---literally.  
  
Harry got the left side of the room while Malfoy got the right side.  
  
Harry frowned as he inspected one trophy. "Oh, this simply won't do, it's so old." He tossed it over his shoulder, where it flew through the air and whacked Filch right in the ear.  
  
"Malfoy!" Filch snarled. "Did you throw that?"  
  
"Throw what?" Malfoy asked innocently.  
  
"Just for that, you get ten more trophies to polish!"  
  
"But he's English too," Harry chimed in.  
  
"Potter, shut your mouth!"  
  
The two boys got back to work.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Ron was walking past the trophy room when he heard how horrible it was in there:  
  
"No, Filch, not like that!" Harry was saying.  
  
"Shut up! I know how to put it in!"  
  
Ron's stomach twisted.  
  
"Hey, that hurts!" Malfoy complained loudly. "I told you it would hurt!"  
  
"Not for me it doesn't!" Filch snarled.  
  
Ron used his mental computer to figure out what was happening: Filch was apparently butt-raping Malfoy while Harry was the next victim!  
  
Running at top speed, Ron rushed to the Gryffindor common room and told Hermione and Ginny.  
  
"We have to save Harry!" Ginny wailed.  
  
"Shouldn't I have said that?" Hermione asked. "He's my friend too."  
  
"True, but he's MY husband."  
  
"Then let's go!" Ron said, valiantly leading the small group of rescuers to the trophy room.  
  
Inside, Filch was having Malfoy hold the base of one trophy steady while he tried to reinsert the rest into the small tube. Malfoy's finger was cut from Filch's incompetence.  
  
Just then, Ron and the girls burst in, determined to save Harry.  
  
"Hold it right there, Filth!" Ron said.  
  
"That's Filch, boy!" the caretaker snarled.  
  
"We're here to save Harry's butthole from a terrible fate!" Hermione said. "We know how you were butt-raping Malfoy when Ron was heading to our tower!"  
  
"That's right, and you won't get Harry!" Ginny cried, throwing a glob of green goop at Filch's face.  
  
The glob smacked square in Filch's face, and he struggled to peel it off. It had been magically messed with by Ginny, and he passed out when he couldn't get it off, falling into a sleep that would be undisturbed for hours.  
  
Malfoy looked relieved. "Thanks. He kept cutting my fingers when he was trying to fix the trophy that got broken when Potter threw it at his ear."  
  
"Huh?" the girls said, and then glared at Ron. "Are you stupid or something?" they thundered.  
  
"Sorry, but I thought Harry was in trouble!" Ron said.  
  
"Time for some fun," Harry smirked as the others argued. Malfoy had already left.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Filch woke with a horrible headache and decided to go see Madame Pomfrey. (AN: Spelling?).  
  
"What's so funny?" he snarled when two Hufflepuffs snickered at him.  
  
He reached Madame Pomfrey and she turned to face him, but then froze, mouth hanging open, eyes like dinner plates.  
  
"What?" Filch demanded. "Why does everyone keep staring at me?"  
  
"It's your face!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's horrible!"  
  
"You're not supposed to insult your patients, woman!"  
  
"No, not that. It's the stuff ON your face. Here," she said, handing Filch a mirror.  
  
"POTTER!"  
  
Filch's face had been covered with very offensive writing and, somehow, barnacles.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Ron was reading through his mail when he saw what Harry was holding.  
  
"Harry! But how did that happen?"  
  
"What?" Hermione asked, and then saw it. "Oh no!"  
  
Harry was holding a Howler.  
  
"But the Dursleys wouldn't send one," Harry said, puzzled. He opened it up and---  
  
"HARRY POTTER, YOUR LIFE WILL CEASE TO EXIST WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU!"  
  
It was Molly Weasley, and she didn't sound too pleased.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU GO AND WREAK HAVOC IN SCHOOL, AND HOW DARE YOU GO SO FAR AS TO DO TO MY FAMILY WHAT YOU DID?! RON TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT WHEN HE WROTE TO US, AND I FOR ONE AM SHOCKED!  
  
"YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL WE GET OUR HANDS ON YOU! YOU WON'T LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER SUNRISE! YOU'LL NEVER GRADUATE! AND THE DURSLEYS ARE THE LEAST OF YOUR CONCERNS!"  
  
The Howler shut off and turned to ashes.  
  
Harry stared. "I'm screwed," he said despondently.  
  
"Not if I have any say in it, Harry!" Ginny said, hugging him again.  
  
"But Ginny, Mum's going to kill Harry for marrying you!" Ron told his sister. "She's going to do something horrible, I just know it."  
  
"Ron, maybe this is just a cover or something," Hermione suggested.  
  
"Huh?" both boys said.  
  
"We need to talk to your mother about this, so that she understands that Harry wasn't himself when he hitched with Ginny."  
  
"Good idea," Harry said. "I hope it works."  
  
It took some time, but they finally made it to the Weasley residence.  
  
Harry took a single step towards the front door when it practically exploded off the hinges, Molly Weasley standing there, fuming.  
  
"Harry Potter!" she bellowed, charging him like a bull.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: I hope this chapter was okay, since I was a little desperate when I wrote it.  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	3. Welcome to the Family

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: I am very sorry for the wait, but I couldn't think of much for a while! Thanks for the reviews!  
  
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Chapter 3: Welcome to the Family  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Molly Weasley crossed the lawn and crushed Harry in a bear hug. "So glad you could make it!" she beamed.  
  
"But, Mum, weren't you really mad or something, because you sent a Howler?" Ron said.  
  
"Oh Ron, I only sent that to get you here real quick," Molly explained. "I only wanted to meet my new son-in-law!"  
  
"Don't forget us!" Fred and George called as they exited the trunk of the car that Harry and the others rode in to get to Ron's home. "We've got a new brother!"  
  
"That means you get all of Ron's stuff when he's done," Fred said seriously.  
  
"Even his underpants," George nodded.  
  
"His old adult magazines," Fred went on.  
  
"His Barbie and Ken dolls," George added.  
  
"His WHAT?" she demanded.  
  
"Uh-oh," the twins said.  
  
"Come on, Molly," Arthur Weasley called from the doorway. "Harry and the others have had a rough day already, and Harry needs to learn more about us now."  
  
"That's right, Mum," Ginny said. "He needs to learn about us Weasleys."  
  
"True," Ron said. "You won't believe what a Weasley woman is like."  
  
"Then that means I need to hear everything too," Hermione said. "After all, I do have the hots for you, Ron. My big, strong, manly weasel."  
  
"Thanks, Hermione," Ron said dryly.  
  
"I believe I said come in?" Arthur said.  
  
Everyone entered and sat around the sitting room (AN: Living room in England, I think) and Arthur and Molly began explaining everything to Harry and Hermione respectively.  
  
"Now Harry," Arthur started, "you need to realize that Weasley men are quite fallible. We tend to wash our socks too often, and usually without fabric softener."  
  
"Is that a bad thing?" Harry asked.  
  
"Usually, no, but when Ron is sleepwalking, yes. Ron here has a tendency to sleepwalk on Saturday night and Sunday morning, but not all night long."  
  
"What happens?"  
  
"He walks downstairs, drinks all the milk, and then goes outside to act like he's riding a horse."  
  
Harry stared. "No way."  
  
"Yes way. Ron used to really love horses when he was little. In fact, he loved them so much, when we were on vacation, he dressed in some of Ginny's clothes and pretended to be a girl so he could ride under a tutor."  
  
"Dad!" Ron hissed.  
  
Harry was rolling on the floor with laughter. "Ron, I never knew you were capable of being a cross dresser!"  
  
Meanwhile, with Hermione:  
  
"Now, Hermione dear, us Weasley woman tend to be the makers of henpecked husbands."  
  
"Really? I'd have thought Ron would have more willpower than that."  
  
"Oh no, Ron's just like all Weasley men after meeting a Weasley woman. Now, as you may have observed in the past, I tirade the boys that don't do what I want them to do."  
  
"Does that mean I'll end up bossing Ron around?"  
  
"Most likely, unless he's having an affair."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"Anyway, Weasley women like to be the queen of the castle, so to speak, and there is no king to keep us in check."  
  
Back to Harry:  
  
"So basically, I'll lose all willpower and turn into a spineless worm that follows every command my wife makes?" Harry said.  
  
"Exactly," Arthur said.  
  
"But I don't want to be a mindless slave!"  
  
"Harry, you won't be---you'll just become a powerless slave, you'll still have a mind."  
  
"But I don't like the thought of Harry turning into a slave!" Ginny said. "I like him the way he is!"  
  
"Well, I guess he can stay normal," Arthur said.  
  
"And I don't want to end up a henpecked husband that cross dresses and sleepwalks!" Ron protested. "And makes out with the pictures when I sleepwalk!"  
  
Harry and Hermione burst into laughter.  
  
"I don't believe you guys!" Ron said. "You're supposed to be my friends!"  
  
"You don't love me!" Hermione cried, covering her face with her hands and pretending to cry terribly.  
  
Arthur whacked Ron on the head. "I told you that you need to suck up to women in order to get a decent one."  
  
"What was that?" Molly growled.  
  
"I mean, uh, Weasley men are very stupid---"  
  
Molly hit Arthur on the head with a frying pan. "Never badmouth a Weasley woman!"  
  
"Well, my new family seems quite chaotic," Harry said to Ginny.  
  
"Just yours?" Hermione shrieked. "I have to fall for Ron of all people!"  
  
"How about two at once, sweetie?" Fred asked, rubbing up against Hermione.  
  
"He's right," George agreed. "You can have your pick of either one of us."  
  
"But you realize you're both prankster psychopaths?" Hermione asked.  
  
"That just makes the sex all the more fun," Fred told her.  
  
Ginny squeaked. "I almost forgot about the sex!" She grabbed Harry hand and ran upstairs with him. She tossed him into her bedroom, locking the door from the outside. "Now don't go anywhere, because I'll be right back, and that's when we start the fun!"  
  
'Oh crap!' Harry thought. 'I'm locked in Ginny's room, and she wants to sleep with me! Can things get any worse?'  
  
"Help!" Ron screamed. "Hermione's looking for something to transfigure into a wedding ring! Harry, where are you?"  
  
"In Ginny's room!"  
  
Ron came to Ginny's door and found it locked. He pulled out his wand and said a spell.  
  
"Ron, that didn't work right," Harry said from the room. "There are Furbees all over Ginny's bed, and they look hungry! Holy cow, they're starting to eat her bed sheets!"  
  
Ron said another spell.  
  
"Ok, the Furbees are gone," Harry said.  
  
"Great!"  
  
"But there's now a Teletubby in here."  
  
"Now that's scary." Ron used another spell.  
  
"The fatso is gone, but now I'm facing something very scary!"  
  
"What? Is it You-Know-Who?"  
  
"Worse!"  
  
"Snape?"  
  
"Worse!"  
  
"What can possibly be worse than Snape?"  
  
"Professor McGonagall!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"And she isn't decent!"  
  
Ron felt like throwing up. McGonagall, in the nude! Freaky!  
  
"Ron, get away from my room!" Ginny snapped. She was standing a few feet behind Ron, and was wearing tight latex lingerie and carrying a whip and handcuffs.  
  
"Sick," Ron said as he raised his wand. "Harry doesn't need to be treated like that, Ginny! Show him some real love!"  
  
"Okay, fine, the whip can go."  
  
Ron smirked. His plan was working perfectly.  
  
Unfortunately, he was so dense that Ginny managed to slip by him while he was patting himself on the back.  
  
"I'm done for!" Harry said.  
  
"Look, Harry, I brought a nice hat for you!" Ginny leered, pulling out the Mad Harry hat from the outfit Harry had worn when he terrorized Hogwarts.  
  
His mind switching tracks, Harry decided it was better with Ginny than with a controlling egomaniac like Hermione.  
  
Rubbing his hands together, Harry grinned. "Let's get to work, sweet thing."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Arthur listened to the rapid bumping sound from upstairs.  
  
"Well, I guess we'll have some grandkids on the way soon."  
  
"We better," Molly scowled. "Ron has no guts, not asking that nice Hermione girl to spend some quality time with him."  
  
"What about Harry? That poor boy has mental issues from what I heard. How else can he claim to be a Mad Hatter rip-off and snag our little Ginny for himself?"  
  
"Well, at least she's the one who gets the Boy Who Lived. I wonder what their kids will look like?"  
  
"Probably have our hair and his eyes."  
  
"I like that combination."  
  
"Well, I guess we better go to bed."  
  
"Arthur," Molly warned.  
  
"I meant to sleep, not rocking the casba."  
  
The next morning, after eating a hearty breakfast, the whole gang headed back to Hogwarts.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: What happens next? If the chapter was any good, then review, and I will tell you!  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	4. Schoolhouse Rock

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for all the reviews, everyone!  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 4: Schoolhouse Rock  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry was in his bed, sleeping and having a wonderful dream.  
  
He was dreaming that his parents were still alive and dressed, oddly enough, like circus clowns, but they liked the idea of his marrying Ginny. He also dreamed that Sirius and Lupin liked it all, and were congratulating him.  
  
"Harry," someone said, shaking him gently.  
  
Slowly, Harry came to, and looked into the face of Sirius Black.  
  
"Sirius!" Harry said brightly, smiling.  
  
Sirius wrapped his hands around Harry's neck and began choking him, shaking the young wizard like a rag doll.  
  
"Gone and got married---wouldn't have believed it if Dumbledore hadn't told me---wreaking havoc on the school without asking advice from me or the twins---causing mayhem at the Quidditch match---!"  
  
"Sirius, stop!" Lupin said, prying the godfather off Harry. "Your hands are too weak!"  
  
Lupin started strangling Harry with even more power than Sirius had.  
  
"Picking your best friend's sister when you had someone with brains---can't believe you never even used a secret tunnel for your pranks---waking me up when I was sleeping with news like this---!"  
  
Harry had trouble telling who was angrier with him, but both were acting like madmen.  
  
"Wait!" Hermione said, rushing in. "It's not Harry's fault---someone spiked his pumpkin juice and he got sugar high from it! That's why he went bonkers!"  
  
Sirius and Lupin both froze, and then apologized to Harry.  
  
"We thought he just decided to follow in our footsteps or something," Sirius said.  
  
"I can't believe I did that to my best friend's son," Lupin muttered.  
  
"Don't worry," Ron said, patting them on the backs. "I thought Filch was butt-raping Malfoy."  
  
Both men burst into uncontrollable laughter.  
  
"We need to get down to breakfast," Hermione said. "But Professor Lupin, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Well, Dumbledore wanted a better teacher for the Dark Arts job, so he decided to risk it and he added more precautions."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Harry finished his biscuit, moved on to his drink---  
  
And when he finished that, he felt another tingling sensation. Mad Harry was back!  
  
The first class was Potions, and Harry was wearing a HUGE, VERY EVIL grin on his face.  
  
"What're you smiling about, Potter?" Malfoy sneered. "Finally get a life?"  
  
But Harry was too eager for the tricks to care about Malfoy. Besides, he'd get the little turd later.  
  
Snape gave them instructions for a particularly difficult potion and went about his usual routine of harassing the Gryffindors.  
  
Harry, though, edged a small square of magically altered butter into Snape's steps, and the loser stepped on it.  
  
As he began walking away, a copy of his voice began playing. Harry was so glad he found a prank spell this good.  
  
"My name is Severus Snape, and I like to drink from the toilet."  
  
Snape whipped about, looking for whoever was causing this. Most students were too shocked to laugh right now.  
  
"I also tend to shave my chest in a puny attempt to pick up even the most desperate of prostitutes."  
  
"Who's doing that?" Snape demanded.  
  
The students were clutching their sides.  
  
"In times when I set myself on fire, I normally began rubbing tanning oil all over my tender, sweet, totally disgusting body."  
  
Snape was furious now, but the students couldn't stop laughing.  
  
"I am very afraid of girls, because they have cooties and my mommy still runs my life."  
  
Snape was glowing red with rage.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
It took the rest of the period, but Snape stamped out the laughs.  
  
Harry and his friends hurried to Transfiguration, and he was ready for the next phase of the plan.  
  
While everyone was turning their buttons into mice, Harry did a quick spell on Neville's buttons and they began jumping. Neville panicked and actually performed the spell, causing a group of mice to go jumping around the room like kangaroos.  
  
"Silence!" McGonagall roared, trying to suppress the chaos.  
  
Harry threw another spell---  
  
"Oh no!" McGonagall gasped.  
  
The jumping mice had turned into jumping balls of bright magenta flame, and were wreaking havoc all over the classroom.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Dark Arts was next, and Harry was eager to show Lupin just how maniacal he was.  
  
Entering the class, Harry looked around and decided what needed to be done.  
  
"Now, in order to block such an attack, you need to..." Lupin was saying when the first odd thing happened.  
  
The door to his office began opening and closing of its own accord, and everyone stared for a moment.  
  
"On with the lesson," Lupin said, resuming class.  
  
But the madness was just getting started: His desk suddenly reared up and bellowed like a horse would, and then began galloping around the classroom.  
  
Malfoy was gawking, which gave Harry the opening he needed to launch another itching powder ball into his robes.  
  
Scratching himself madly, Malfoy stood and twisted around to get a certain spot---when the desk caught him and began carrying him around like a rider on a bucking bronco.  
  
"Everyone, please calm down!" Lupin shouted, trying to restore order.  
  
But Harry was in the moment now: He threw off his robes to reveal his green outfit, and shouted, "I am Mad Harry!"  
  
Laughing like a lunatic, he hopped off his desk and began running around the room, giving wedgies and casting all kinds of spells: He made Hermione hop like a frog whenever she tried to walk; Ron was flapping his arms to fly; Dean Thomas was dancing the Irish jig; Neville was doing ballet; and Crabbe and Goyle were playing hopscotch.  
  
"EVERYONE SETTLE DOWN NOW!" Lupin roared furiously. He began blasting people with his wand, and only when the chaos subsided did he notice something:  
  
"Harry's gone!"  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: Where did Harry go? Who spiked the juice again? What will Dumbledore do? What will Harry do to Voldemort? To find out,  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	5. Voldesnot

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for the reviews and sorry for the wait!  
  
TO Amanda: Go where?  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 5: Voldesnot  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
In his lair, Lord Voldemort waited for his servants to do his bidding.  
  
"Get on with it already!" he snapped at Wormtail.  
  
"But I'm afraid!" the man said.  
  
"Don't make me force you!" Voldemort warned.  
  
Wormtail grimaced and picked up the sponge---he had been giving his master's feet a good sponge bath for some time, until he was just too grossed out by all the corns. But he could remind himself that Malfoy actually took pleasure in his own sick job: Washing Voldemort's laundry.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Lucius Malfoy was reading the Daily Prophet when, without any warning, something burst on top of his head.  
  
Sputtering, he looked around and then up, spotting who had dropped the thing. "Potter!"  
  
But he saw Harry was wearing some sort of outfit and a top hat with a 10/6 card in it.  
  
"Actually, it's Mad Harry now," Harry called down cheerily. He threw another water balloon, drenching Malfoy. "Bull's eye!"  
  
"You little punk!"  
  
Harry merely laughed and tossed a third water balloon on Malfoy, but this one revealed itself to be filled with yellow paint.  
  
"Yuk!" Malfoy said disgustedly.  
  
"Come and get me!" Harry called down challengingly.  
  
"I'll do just that, boy!" Malfoy bellowed, and he charged through the building's foyer, up the stairs, and straight to the roof. "No one makes a fool out of Lucius Malfoy!"  
  
"That's because you're doing a swell job making a fool out of yourself," Harry replied coolly.  
  
Malfoy went red with rage and grabbed for his wand, but Harry reached his first, yelling, "Stickio!" loudly. Malfoy's hand was glued to his hip, where his wand was.  
  
"Potter!" he roared with fury.  
  
"How do you like my Glue Charm?" Harry asked casually. "And I told you, it's Mad Harry now."  
  
The young wizard skipped over to a pile of stuff covered with a blanket, and when he turned back, Malfoy was worried.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
"Come on, boys!" the lead Auror said. "Potter was sighted atop this building! Mr. Malfoy must be cornering him right now!"  
  
"I can't believe Potter's terrorizing Hogsmeade!" one witch said. "He's such a good boy!"  
  
"That was before he went temporarily insane," a third Auror said. "Remember what Professor Dumbledore told us?"  
  
"Careful now," the lead Auror wizard said. "Potter must think he's some kind of comedian, leaving banana peals around. Watch it, though, they could be magicked."  
  
As the three Aurors reached the roof entrance, they heard muffled screams.  
  
"Malfoy's in trouble!" the lead wizard said. "This is our hour!"  
  
"You always say that!" the second wizard said.  
  
"You said that before you accidentally caught the boss doing the nasty with his secretary," the witch agreed.  
  
"Okay, well this time is the REAL time!" the leader said, and charged through onto the roof. "Oh my God."  
  
"What is it?" the witch said.  
  
"Don't look!" the leader said. "It's too horrible!"  
  
"He's right!" the second wizard said. "Just look at Malfoy!"  
  
The witch and second wizard couldn't stop laughing.  
  
Malfoy had been hung upside down, with a suite of armor in place of his robes, and his head was in a filled fishbowl, with his broken wand jammed into his mouth. Also, Christmas lights were alight and wrapped all around him, and scuba flippers were on his feet.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"Mad Harry Potter begins yet another rampage in Hogsmeade this week," Ron read from his copy of the Daily Prophet. "How do they expect to catch him when he's gone nuts?"  
  
"Oh Ron," Hermione snapped. "He isn't too nuts, because he's smart enough to elude capture from everyone looking for him."  
  
"But what's he doing it for?" Ginny asked. "I'd feel terrible if anything were to happen to my Harry!"  
  
"Well, come on, it's time for Potions," Ron said gloomily.  
  
Halfway through class, something Harry must have left behind triggered.  
  
"Longbottom, is that a sleeping potion or am I looking at your breakfast?" Snape sneered.  
  
BOOM!  
  
The entire dungeon rocked.  
  
Snape looked around. "What was that?"  
  
"Professor!" Malfoy said. "Your office!"  
  
Snape's office looked blown up, but Harry must have rigged so that graffiti saying "HA HA!" was everywhere: The floor, the ceiling, the desk and walls.  
  
"I'll kill him!" Snape roared. "How dare he do this to my office?"  
  
"Because I need to see some smiles," Harry answered back.  
  
Everyone glanced around, but Harry was nowhere.  
  
"No, I have to be elsewhere, sadly. I left a bit of myself behind, though, Snape, just for assholes like you. You see, no one likes you, and no one ever will. Cheerio!"  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Wormtail ran into the room, giddy with joy. "My Lord, I've captured Potter for you!"  
  
"Don't lie to me!" Voldemort snapped.  
  
"I'm not! Come and look!"  
  
Voldemort followed Wormtail downstairs to the sitting room, where Harry was seated in an armchair, looking perfectly pleasant, still wearing his Mad Hatter's outfit.  
  
"Oh hello!" he sad cheerily. "Lovely place, this. Do you decay here?"  
  
"Potter!" Voldemort growled. "I'll make you regret you ever lived!"  
  
"Oh that's already happened," Harry said with a wave of his hand. "I think I much rather enjoy things this way."  
  
Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "Is he feeling all right, Wormtail? He seems to be crazy or something."  
  
"Well, the papers are saying that he calls himself Mad Harry now, and he is dressed like the Mad Hatter."  
  
"Oh, that's just GREAT," Voldemort groaned. "Another madman to deal with now. As if I wasn't enough, Potter had to go and lose it."  
  
"Well, he doesn't seem to be very dangerous at the moment, Lord. You could just kill him."  
  
"Good idea." Voldemort raised his wand, but Harry shot up from his seat, crossed the room in the blink of an eye, and took an extremely deadly tone.  
  
"Don't even think about it!" he growled at Voldemort before sitting in the armchair again.  
  
Voldemort cringed in fear. "He scares me, Wormtail! Make the bad man stop!"  
  
Wormtail patted Voldemort on the back. "There, there, little one. We're not all strong like Dumbledore."  
  
"And he treated me like a man!" Voldemort cried into Wormtail's shoulder. "Dumbledore was such a great guy! I feel so horrible for never telling him the full extent of my evil!"  
  
"What full extent?" Wormtail asked.  
  
"Back when I was in school, I ate his personal stash of chocolate frogs and never said a word. I feel so horrible because I did that! I am a very bad man, Wormtail!" He began crying endlessly.  
  
"What a cry baby," Harry yawned.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Hermione, Ron, and Ginny sat in the common room, pondering how to find Harry.  
  
"Maybe we can dress up like him or something!" Ron said. "That way, he won't pull any more pranks on us!"  
  
"Ron, that's stupid!" Hermione snapped. "Why don't we just lure him into a trap using Ginny?"  
  
Ginny squeaked at the mention of her name.  
  
Ron thought for a LONG moment. "Yeah, I reckon we could dress her up real nice, with some of Mum's lipstick and make-up and all that. Harry will fall for her!"  
  
Over the course of the next few hours, Ron and Hermione keep trying to find attractive clothes for Ginny. Once, when Lavender and Pavarti were heading to the library, they spotted Ron carrying a bunch of feminine clothes.  
  
"Ron, are you feeling okay?" Lavender asked.  
  
"Just fine, why?" he said.  
  
"Oh, nothing much," Pavarti said, and the girls left.  
  
When they were away from the tower, Lavender said, "You know, I think Ron's either gay or a cross dresser."  
  
"I think you're right," Pavarti nodded. "Let's go ruin his reputation!"  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Voldemort had needed much encouragement from Wormtail to get up the nerve to use the Killing Curse on Harry again.  
  
"This time you die, Potter!" he roared, pulling out his wand with dramatic music blaring in the background.  
  
"I told you not to spend your allowance on those stupid Muggle loudspeakers!" Voldemort roared at Wormtail.  
  
The dramatic music stopped immediately.  
  
"Sorry, Lord."  
  
"Now, where was I?" Voldemort said, thinking.  
  
"You were just about to watch the Teletubbies," Harry said helpfully without looking up from his Daily Prophet.  
  
"Hey!" Voldemort bellowed, indignant.  
  
"Oh look, they're on right now," Harry said lazily, looking at his gold pocket watch.  
  
"Oh no!" Voldemort gasped. "I missed the beginning!" He sped off into his room to watch his all-time favorite show.  
  
"Do you have to be so mean to him?" Wormtail asked Harry. "He's not such a bad man once you get to know him."  
  
"You mean sleep with him?" Harry corrected. "Oh, that sounds far too disgusting for me."  
  
"I am not gay!" Wormtail snapped.  
  
"Pettigrew, you are such a gay man even your name Wormtail shows it."  
  
Tears welled up in Wormtail's eyes and he ran away sobbing.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "I must be the only decent person around here."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: I hope everyone liked this chapter, because I had trouble with it.  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	6. Hot Momma

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Sorry for the wait, and thanks for the reviews, all!  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 6: Hot Momma  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ginny looked down at her clothes. "Are you two sure about this?"  
  
"It'll work," Hermione said.  
  
"I can see it working right now," Ron said.  
  
"That's because you're acting out a winning scenario with your G.I. Joes," Hermione snapped.  
  
"Oh, so I am."  
  
Ginny was very nervous. "But what if he doesn't like it?"  
  
"He loves you, so naturally he'll like anything you wear," Hermione reasoned.  
  
"Too bad the same isn't true for you, Hermione," Ron said.  
  
She slapped him.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The next morning, Ginny received a letter.  
  
It was signed with Harry's name, and he wrote:  
  
"Looking hot today, sweet cheeks. How's about you and me get to know each other better?"  
  
Ginny blushed greatly and showed Ron and Hermione.  
  
"Then he must have seen her somehow," Hermione said. "But how?"  
  
"Maybe he's got a telescope?" Ron suggested.  
  
Hermione hit him again.  
  
"Boy, I sure wish Harry were here to take all the hits," Ron muttered.  
  
Ginny and Hermione both slapped him.  
  
"But where do I go around without attracting anyone's attention but Harry's?" Ginny asked.  
  
"I don't know, just do what comes natural," Hermione suggested.  
  
Ginny shrugged and spent the rest of her day as usual, ignoring the catcalls of the Slytherins and hoping inwardly that her Harry would come back to her.  
  
Midway through Potions, it happened:  
  
"It seems as if you are still distracting the class, Weasley," Snape sneered. "Perhaps you should put on something more appropriate?"  
  
Ginny went all defensive and snapped, "Shut your pie hole!"  
  
"Don't talk to me like that, little girl!"  
  
"On a cold day in hell!"  
  
"It's getting there!"  
  
"Up yours!"  
  
Snape stood frozen with disbelief for a second.  
  
"The headmaster will hear of this, Weasley!"  
  
"He should hear about how far your head is up your ass!" Ginny retorted.  
  
"That's my girl!" Harry smiled as he abruptly dashed into the room, picked up Ginny like a groom carried a bride into the house, and dashed off again.  
  
"Damn, I knew you should have worn something like it!" Ron hissed at Hermione. "He might've lingered and been hit by a Stunner!"  
  
Hermione slapped him yet again.  
  
"Man, being a best friend is painful," Ron muttered.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Look at this, Molly!" Arthur said. "Ron says that Harry's back at Hogwarts!"  
  
"That's great!" Molly agreed. "But he still needs to pop a kid!"  
  
"Molly, the boy only just got hitched! Give him some time and Ginny'll get us some grandkids!"  
  
"We could make some more..." Molly purred seductively.  
  
"Oh, look at the time! I need to get to work!"  
  
Arthur ran off.  
  
"But it's ten at night!"  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"Oh Harry," Ginny said. "I had no idea you liked me this much!"  
  
Harry said tied Ginny up and was making sure the ropes for the bondage scene were secure.  
  
"Oh, I do, babycakes, I do." He found the ropes secure and took off his own clothes before starting the cameras.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
As they lay in the afterglow, Harry and Ginny realized something about each other:  
  
"Ginny, you are one fine piece of ass!" Harry said, hugging her tightly.  
  
"And you are amazing doggie style, Harry!" Ginny said, hugging him in return.  
  
They felt so proud of themselves they did it AGAIN.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
When Ron and Hermione came to Defense class, he found Lupin waiting for him.  
  
"Ron, I heard something about Harry and your sister."  
  
"Yeah, he snatched her off like a hero saving a damsel in distress."  
  
Lupin nodded. "Well, I have an idea, but it won't be easy."  
  
"I'll do it. We need Harry back to normal."  
  
Later...  
  
"I feel so damned stupid," Ron said as he sat outside wearing the dress that the Queen of Hearts would wear. If Malfoy saw him, he'd kill the little bastard.  
  
"Weasley?" Malfoy gaped. He burst into laughter, rolling on the ground. "I knew you were a queer!"  
  
Just as Ron prepared to kick Malfoy's ass, Harry popped up, dressed like the Mad Hatter still, and snuck up behind the Slytherin. When Malfoy stood up, Harry instantly did the best wedgie he could manage, and Malfoy squeaked like a mouse on a megaphone.  
  
"Harry!" Ron gasped. "I command you to freeze!"  
  
"Ron, it's Godzilla!" Harry shrieked, pretending to run away.  
  
Ron turned around and looked everywhere, but saw nothing. The ploy gave Harry the perfect chance to tie his best friend's shoelaces. As Ron turned around he tripped, falling flat on his face.  
  
"Gotcha!" Harry said as he roared with laughter.  
  
A net was suddenly thrown on Harry, and he began flailing like a fish out of water.  
  
"Got YOU!" Hermione giggled as she marched over to him.  
  
Harry, acting purely on instinct, reached into his pocket and whipped out a bole, shoving it into Hermione's mouth and lighting it up.  
  
Hermione's eyes rolled upward, and she swayed slightly, a huge, lazy grin on her face.  
  
"Hermione, are you okay?" Ron asked.  
  
"I feel...swimmingly, John," she said slowly, still grinning.  
  
"But my name's Ron."  
  
"Wait! I see little men walking all over your nose." She tried to swipe his face, but he pulled away.  
  
"What did you do to her?" Ron demanded of Harry.  
  
"She's high, that's all."  
  
"This is very bad," Ron said gravely. He suddenly noticed Harry was gone and he helped Hermione to the hospital wing.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"So his madness may finally be figured out," Dumbledore said.  
  
"But what IS a bole?" McGonagall asked.  
  
"Don't you eat out of it?" Flitwick said.  
  
"I think this is Voldemort's doing," Snape said. "He's jackass enough to do it."  
  
"So are you," Lupin said. "And you hate Harry's friends and family enough to do it."  
  
"Enough," Dumbledore said sharply. "In order to capture Harry, we must think like him. I will have a bole constructed at once, and we shall all have a try with it."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: "Now" things get interesting! Will Hogwarts become School of Bongs and Boles, or what?  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	7. Smoking Ain't Allowed In School

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait!  
  
TO ALL: I will be taking a while writing more, since I really need to get a number of other fics out of the way in other genres. Don't expect much else here too soon!  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 7: Smoking Ain't Allowed In School  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry and Ginny both dropped from sight, vanishing entirely, over the two days it took for Professor Dumbledore to construct a bole. In the teacher's lounge, they all met: Lupin, McGonagall, Snape, Hagrid, Flitwick, Hooch, Filch, Sprout, and the rest.  
  
"Now, we will all take a hit from the bole, and make sure to wipe any saliva off before passing it to the next person," Dumbledore instructed.  
  
Around the bole went, until every teacher had gotten at least one hit from the thing. Lupin took three hits, Snape took eight, and McGonagall took a surprising number, fifteen. By the time they had finished, they were all grinning.  
  
"Well, back to ass," Dumbledore said.  
  
"Ass? Don't you mean class?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Oops, I did it again," Dumbledore laughed.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Hermione and Ron took their places in Potions and glanced at Malfoy, who seemed to twitch at everything. Of course, Harry was making his life a living hell of comedy.  
  
Snape entered the chamber and was halfway to his desk when he realized they were there.  
  
"Who the hell are you people?" he demanded.  
  
The students were shocked, not at his language as much as his confusion.  
  
"Professor, this is Potions class," Malfoy said.  
  
"It is?" Snape asked, blinking.  
  
He shrugged and went to the board, and proceeded to scribble mindlessly for several minutes.  
  
"There, now do what it says," he muttered.  
  
"But, Professor, you just made a bunch of squiggly lines," Malfoy complained. "How can we do anything with that?"  
  
"Ten points from Slytherin, young man!" Snape bellowed, making all the Slytherins gape in total disbelief. "If you so much as put one more nipple out of line, I will spank you so bad!"  
  
Malfoy was dumbfounded, and just kept staring at Snape.  
  
"Hermione, what do you think is going on?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh Ron, it's obvious!" she snapped. "Snape's been getting high!"  
  
"Look at me!" Snape said as he perched himself on his desk. "I'm an eagle!"  
  
He leapt off, and fell flat on his face. Getting up, he rounded on the Slytherins.  
  
"Don't think I didn't see that!" he snarled at Malfoy.  
  
"See what?" Malfoy asked.  
  
"That!" Snape hissed, jamming a finger up Malfoy's nose and beginning to pick it. "I see those little green blobs! They try and steal my socks at night, they do!"  
  
"Professor, please!" Pansy Parkinson said. "They're only boogers!"  
  
"Oh, so defending the Oompa-Loompas, are we?" Snape growled. "I should have known you would turn against your kind!"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Malfoy demanded.  
  
Snape grabbed Malfoy by the shoulders and began shaking him wildly.  
  
"Don't play dumb with me! I know you have a pair of earrings hiding in your eyelashes!"  
  
"God give us the strength to survive this class," Hermione muttered.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
If Potions was bad, Transfiguration was even worse.  
  
McGonagall was teaching class---with only her hat and glasses on.  
  
The entire class sat there, gaping in shocked horror, while the professor explained Idiot Charms. Of course, she was teaching the wrong thing, but she didn't seem to notice that. (AN: I got that gaping part from "The Santa Clause", where the fireman shocks the little kids shitless with his third-degree burn story!)  
  
"Longbottom!" she snaps. "What did you just say?"  
  
"Uh, I didn't say anything, Professor!"  
  
"I guess not," she said, returning to the lesson. She turned around to get something from her desk and they all got a view of her rear. Hermione and the other witches felt disgusted at being female, while the boys felt horrified they would eventually have sex with girls.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Everyone hurried outside for Care of Magical Creatures and were stunned to find Hagrid ready.  
  
"Hagrid, are you okay?" Ron asked. "You look a little perfected."  
  
"Oh, I'm fine, Don," Hagrid beamed, saying Ron's name wrong. "I was just waiting for Malfoy to show up."  
  
"What for?" Malfoy sneered. "Want to get another hippogriff killed?"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle snickered.  
  
"No, I was hoping you would put this in the garden for me," Hagrid said pleasantly, holding out a carrot. "If you do, I'll give you full marks all year."  
  
"No catches?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.  
  
"Nope."  
  
Malfoy took the carrot and got on his knee, shoving it into the ground. "Now what?"  
  
"Let go."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
A loud squeal erupted from the far end of the garden, and everyone tried to see what it was that made the noise.  
  
Malfoy caught a glimpse of what looked like a beaver zooming straight at him before it had the carrot in its mouth, and was dragging him away into the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"Help!" Malfoy screamed.  
  
"Did you hear anything?" Crabbe asked.  
  
"No, did you?" Goyle replied.  
  
"Bastards!" Malfoy managed to yell before he vanished into the trees.  
  
"Now, I want everyone to hold out one hand," Hagrid instructed.  
  
When class ended, Hermione realized something.  
  
"Ron, Hagrid thinks he's a dance instructor!"  
  
"So that's what this Macarena is," Ron said thoughtfully.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
The class took their seats, and Professor Lupin came out of his office a second later, a little hurried but otherwise normal.  
  
"He seems okay," Ron said.  
  
"Don't bet on anything," Hermione warned.  
  
But not a single odd thing happened all period, and the two had to admit that Lupin must not have gotten high at all.  
  
"It's weird," Ron said.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Filch hugging students," Ron said, pointing.  
  
Up ahead, Filch was giving bear hugs to every student he could, and the rest were running away in pure terror.  
  
"I love you kids!" he was shouting. "You make my life so full and happy! If only I was more like you!"  
  
"Good God, Harry is making everyone go mad!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Wait!" Filch said suddenly. "I know how I can make everyone as happy as I am!"  
  
Without a word more, he turned and ran to his office.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Professor Sprout was acting weirder than ever before.  
  
"Hermes, dear, don't touch that thing," she said.  
  
"But I'm Hermione."  
  
"Sure you are, sweet cheeks," Sprout leered, looking Hermione up and down.  
  
"And don't touch what thing?"  
  
"This thing," Sprout answered, pointing at Ron, whose jaw dropped. "It's all red and filthy. I'll have Filch clean it up at once. And here's a map to where I sleep at night."  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Ron and Hermione collapsed at the Gryffindor table for dinner.  
  
"Long day?" Fred asked.  
  
"Don't ask," Ron said.  
  
"Why not?" George asked. "It can't be any worse than ours."  
  
"Wanna bet?" Hermione said. "Professor Sprout hit on me, Hagrid played a trick on Malfoy, who's probably still in the Forbidden Forest, and Snape was going ballistic on the Slytherins---he kept taking off points, and he picked Malfoy's nose on the excuse that the 'little green blobs' were stealing his socks! And that isn't mentioning Professor McGonagall taught class naked!"  
  
Fred snorted. "That is NOTHING compared to our day."  
  
"Try us," Ron challenged.  
  
"All right, we will," George said. "Here goes..."  
  
The twins entered Potions, ready for hell, when they noticed Snape was looking for something in his desk.  
  
"Damn, where are those pictures of me when I was younger?" he hissed. "Ah, here we are!"  
  
Practically leaping, he came over to the Weasley twins and shoved some photos in their faces.  
  
"Well, what do you think?" he asked hopefully, looking like a little girl when begging for something really special. "Are they good enough for the Daily Prophet Bachelor Contest?"  
  
"But these pictures are ages old!" Fred pointed out.  
  
"I'm very mature-looking for my age," Snape replied swiftly.  
  
"You have a fruit bowl on your head in this one!" George said.  
  
"I don't see anything different."  
  
There was a ding from somewhere, and Snape seemed to melt with excitement.  
  
"That would be my brownies! Everyone wait here while I put the icing on them!" He hurried off, giving the twins time to escape.  
  
"And then there was Care of Magical Creatures," Fred said.  
  
Hagrid was dressed like a giant banana, and kept kicking the kids in the shin when they came near.  
  
"Don't!" he warned them. "He'll be here any second!"  
  
"Who?" Lee Jordan asked.  
  
"Winston Churchill, with Martha Stewart and the Loch Ness Porsche Dealer."  
  
"What?" Lee Jordan asked, confused.  
  
"You heard me!"  
  
"But then there was Transfiguration," George said.  
  
Professor McGonagall was teaching class normally until she started to "get hot."  
  
"Honestly, I don't know why Professor Dumblewhore turned the heat all the way up," she was saying as she took off her robes, revealing what would be seductively inviting lingerie, if she was about thirty years younger.  
  
"Now, which of you wants to demonstrate the Missionary Position?" she purred.  
  
The students looked at one another.  
  
"How about you, Fred!" McGonagall smiled.  
  
"Me?" Fred gasped. "But I'm George!"  
  
"That doesn't work on me; I have your seating chart," McGonagall said slyly.  
  
"Poor Fred had to pump the teacher, who's at least forty years older than him," George said.  
  
Hermione and Ron sat there, eyes wide and mouths hanging open.  
  
"Oi!" Lee called from further down the table.  
  
"Yeah?" Fred called back.  
  
"Tell them about DADA!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
George shuddered. "God, now there was a scary class!"  
  
"Lupin came in and began teaching normally," Fred started.  
  
"Now, I want you all to practice making this sign if you ever meet a wizard reefer head," Lupin instructed, drawing an impossibly fine and accurate weed sign on his board. "And for homework, you have to draw two hundred of these for next class."  
  
The class groaned and protested.  
  
"Shut your fucking mouths, you little shits!" Lupin roared. "A hundred points from Hufflepuff!"  
  
"But, Professor, there's no one FROM Hufflepuff in this class," Lee Jordan pointed out.  
  
"Oh, then, a hundred points from Slytherin."  
  
The class shrugged.  
  
"And get cracking on that homework! I want to see cramps like never before, or I'll fail your worthless asses!"  
  
"Professor Lupin did all that?" Hermione gasped.  
  
"All that and then some, from what we heard," Fred grimaced.  
  
"It's still average compared to what happened with Filch just now," George said.  
  
"What?" Hermione and Ron asked.  
  
"He's out in the hall, saying how excited he is to finally get into Hogwarts."  
  
"WHAT?" the two gasped.  
  
"Thinks he's a student!" Fred sniffed.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"I hope things are okay," Ron said. He had been dreading Divination ever since thinking about what Trelawney would do when high.  
  
As he took his seat, he noticed that the room was hotter than usual. He kept trying to keep cool when class began.  
  
"My dears!" Professor Trelawney said. "I have seen horrible things in my crystal wine glass!"  
  
"Is that more powerful in Divination, Professor?" Parvati asked.  
  
"It is!" Trelawney confirmed.  
  
"What will happen, Professor?" Lavender asked. She and Parvati were Trelawney's greatest supporters.  
  
"The Ice Age will come, and the Neanderthal will rise again!" the teacher said ominously.  
  
Ron looked around and saw everyone was as stupefied at this statement as he was. If only Hermione were here...  
  
"You there! Quit acting stupid!" Trelawney snapped at Ron.  
  
"Who's acting?" Ron countered.  
  
"Well, I never heard of someone named Ac Ting!" Trelawney said indignantly.  
  
"Quickly, my dears!" Trelawney said. "Huddle near the Great Fire of Trelawney!"  
  
"Good God!" Ron said, clapping a hand to his forehead.  
  
Everyone watched as Trelawney pulled a parka out of her desk and put it on, increasing her body size until she rivaled Hagrid.  
  
"Around the fire, dears! The Ice Age is coming!"  
  
At that very moment, Madam Hooch came flying through the window and crashed into Trelawney, stopped by the seer's girth alone.  
  
"Oh, so sorry!" Hooch said. "I was showing everyone how we did it in the old days!"  
  
From outside came the sounds of many other windows shattering.  
  
"I can just see the teachers' reactions," Ron grimaced.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
At dinner, Ron noticed Professor Dumbledore didn't seem any different.  
  
"Hermione, we should ask him if he feels strange from getting high."  
  
Nodding, Hermione followed Ron up to the headmaster.  
  
"Professor, are you feeling okay from getting high?" Ron asked.  
  
"Actually, Mr. Weasley, the effect wore off after a few moments. I can't say why, but I now have a strange obsession with blowing bubbles in my milk."  
  
Ron and Hermione shrugged and went back to their seats.  
  
After dinner, they hurried into toward Gryffindor Tower, wanting to plan in case Harry and Ginny came back.  
  
But as they rounded a corner, they bumped into Draco Malfoy and bounced back a step.  
  
"Malfoy, why is your stomach three times larger than it should be?" Ron asked.  
  
"Uh, there's nothing wrong with me!" Malfoy said. "I'm feeling just fine! I just---left me belt off! Yeah, that's it! I took off my belt and let it all hang out!"  
  
He dashed off without another word.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
The teachers, hooked on the bole, kept getting high, except for Dumbledore, who was already weird.  
  
Professor Sprout kept hitting on Hermione, completely ignoring the girl's protests.  
  
Snape went from his known attitudes to that of a sugar plum fairy, which he actually dressed up as one afternoon and danced around the dungeon for the whole class period.  
  
Filch became obsessed over tying his shoes, and no one really gave a damn.  
  
Hooch thought she was Super Hooch, Mistress of the Winds, and she repeatedly hit the castle, breaking more windows and disrupting more classes.  
  
Trelawney was still ranting about the Ice Age and was now openly accusing Ron of being a Neanderthal, which made Neville look like a genius.  
  
McGonagall banged George after a while, explaining that she would take a thousand points from Gryffindor if he didn't show everyone how to properly insert himself.  
  
Flitwick was endlessly teaching everyone Cheering Charms and causing things to go zooming around the classroom, whacking people all the time. Of course, with the Cheering Charms on almost full blast, the class kept laughing hysterically every time anything happened, funny or not.  
  
Hagrid kept playing pranks on the Slytherins until they no longer did a thing he said, which earned all of them a failure for the entire year.  
  
Then, one day...  
  
Malfoy was starting to feel REALLY sick. He hurried to Professor Dumbledore's office, waiting for the headmaster.  
  
Dumbledore came around the corner with Hermione and Ron, talking about capturing Harry and Ginny if the two were found.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, is there something I can do for you?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
Well, when I was dragged into the Forest, something freaky happened," Malfoy said.  
  
Dumbledore ushered them into his office. "Now, what exactly is wrong?"  
  
"This, for starters!" Malfoy snapped, pulling open his robes and revealing a rather large gut.  
  
"God Malfoy, you look like a pregnant woman," Ron said.  
  
"That's what's wrong! I think I AM pregnant!"  
  
Everyone started.  
  
"What happened in the Forbidden Forest?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Well, I was dragged in there by something that resembled a beaver. The thing pulled me in way far and ate the carrot I had before it turned on me. I tried to run, but while I had my back turned, it pounced and just crawled inside!"  
  
Ron and Hermione exploded with uncontrollable laughter.  
  
"Well, it seems you're going to be some sort of mother-father hybrid, then," Dumbledore shrugged.  
  
"I'm can't give birth to a beaver!" Malfoy snapped.  
  
"That's what they all say," Dumbledore replied.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
On her way to the common room, Hermione realized she was rather thirsty.  
  
Heading down to the kitchens, she got herself a drink and thanked the house- elves. On her way back, though, she found trouble.  
  
"Professor Lupin?" she asked, lifting an eyebrow.  
  
Lupin was wearing a football jersey, a golf visor sideways on his head, and incredibly baggy pants that had to be held up by magic. Also, he had shoes dangling from his ears like earrings.  
  
"'Sup, babydoll?" he asked. "Wanna take a ride wit' de man?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Okay, that doesn't work," Lupin said, tossing off all the clothing and standing in his regular robes. "I'll just save you from nasty old Ron!"  
  
Hermione didn't have time to scream as Lupin picked her up and carried her to his chambers, tossing her on the bed.  
  
"Time to play extra credit, Hermione!" he smiled. "It's called Rompy Pompy!"  
  
The night was filled with Hermione's screams, which alternated between pain and pleasure.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
In the morning, she woke up and dashed to the tower, waking up Ron.  
  
"What's up?" he asked sleepily.  
  
"Ron, I ran into Professor Lupin, and he shagged me!"  
  
"What?" Ron gasped, sitting bolt upright.  
  
"That's right! I'm probably pregnant with a werewolf cub!"  
  
"Forget that; I'd be more worried about BEING a werewolf first."  
  
"We need to see Professor Dumbledore, and he can help us see Madam Pomfrey!" Hermione said.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: Man, this is one crazy chapter!  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	8. As The Muggle Turns

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Sorry for the wait and thanks for the reviews!  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Chapter 8: As The Muggle Turns  
Vernon Dursley was seated in the sitting room's large chair, reading the newspaper, when it happened. Petunia had been watching "As The World Turns", but had left it on, and he hadn't bothered to change it when the program was interrupted by a newsbreak.  
  
On the TV, the reporter began a report on an escaped convict:  
  
"Authorities are warning the public that Mad Harry Potter is extremely dangerous due to his madness."  
  
Vernon dropped the paper and stared at the TV with rapidly-growing horror.  
  
"Reports are sketchy, but sources say he has attacked a number of people, including several bounty hunters. Potter is described as armed with a weapon, although police cannot say what KIND of weapon he has."  
  
'Probably that damned wand!' Vernon thought in fear.  
  
"Potter can be recognized as a black-haired fifteen-year-old boy, with spectacles and wearing an outfit that makes him look like the Mad Hatter, hence his name. Here is a photograph of what he looks like."  
  
A picture was shown, with Mad Harry dressed in his unique outfit, his top hat sliding forward and to one side slightly from his position. He had his index fingers pulling the corners of his mouth apart, his tongue sticking out and his eyes crossed. He looked like a lunatic.  
  
'Good God, he's gone off the deep end!' Vernon gasped inwardly.  
  
"Again, let the authorities tackle Potter. Stay indoors unless you absolutely have to go out, and be very careful. Police have set up a special hotline. If you spot Potter, call this number immediately."  
  
Vernon glanced at the phone, which sat only five feet away. He could be worse than dead if the boy showed up with a wand. Only Petunia could run more than two feet and not be out of breath.  
  
At that very moment, Petunia herself ran into the sitting room, looking terrified.  
  
"Did they just say that boy's turned criminal?" she asked, already knowing the answer.  
  
"Yes, and we need to make sure we stay alive!" Vernon said as he lifted himself up and went upstairs, searching for his new rifle.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Dudley waddled into the kitchen, looking for a snack. He spotted something, what looked like a custard cream, hidden among the cabbage. Snickering, he shoved it into his mouth and chewed happily.  
  
And subsequently burst into feathers. Attracted by the noise of a shrieking bird, Petunia and Vernon rushed downstairs and screamed in horror. What should have been their son Dudley was instead a very fat yellow canary.  
  
"Hope you like those canary creams!" Mad Harry chuckled as he swept into the kitchen eccentrically.  
  
Petunia gasped.  
  
"You!" Vernon gaped.  
  
"Her!" Harry said, pointing over Vernon's shoulder.  
  
The fat Muggle turned to see Ginny standing behind him. She wore a white pair of bunny ears atop her head, a blue velvet waistcoat, gray knickers and a red vest with a white shirt underneath.  
  
And, to the horror of the three Dursleys, both were holding their wands.  
  
"Now, since I really want to pay you all back for the pain you've caused me, I think this one time will be an excellent start," Harry said.  
  
"You're going to kill us?" Vernon gasped.  
  
"Even better: We're going to torment you!"  
  
Ginny used the Jelly-Legs Jinx on Dudley, causing him to bounce up and down like a birdlike paddleball, his weight being used against him.  
  
Harry used the Furnunculus Curse to add some nice boils to Petunia's face, while Ginny blasted Vernon with the Engorgement Charm, causing him to become more bloated than ever. He looked like a human blob that filled virtually the whole kitchen, causing Harry and Ginny to back away before he swelled over the spots where they had been standing.  
  
"I noticed you had been watching that soap opera," Harry said casually. "You could do a spin-off of it, aptly called 'As The Muggle Rolls.'"  
  
"More like 'As The Fatass Inflates'," Ginny piped in.  
  
Harry's sides almost split with laughter. They used the Impediment Curse to freeze the trio in place, and skipped outside, greatly pleased with themselves.  
  
"We should leave our own Mark!" Ginny complained, about to go into tears.  
  
"Don't worry, sweetie!" Harry said cheerily. "I have the perfect solution!"  
  
Aiming his wand upward, he roared at the top of his lungs, "Jokerus!"  
  
With a deafening roar, a blazing white streak shot from the tip of his wand and took place up overhead of the Dursleys' home, hovering in place forty feet overhead.  
  
The size of the Dark Mark, a giant outline of a face, with a broad, psychotic smile, green hair, and endless, echoing laugh was the Mark that Harry had summoned. He called it the Joker's Mark, after the comic villain it looked like. He especially liked the way it wouldn't stop laughing until the Mark was removed. It even rotated!  
  
After spending some more time writing all kinds of foul language on the house, Harry decided to move on.  
  
"Come, love!" he said lovingly, sweeping Ginny up. "The night is young--- and so are we!"  
  
********************************************************************  
  
"Dear God!" Cornelius Fudge gasped. "I told you he was dangerous, Dumbledore!"  
  
"Now is not the time, Cornelius," Dumbledore said coldly. "We have to ascertain whether his relatives are alive or not."  
  
Nodding, Fudge led the way into Number Four of Privet Drive. Aurors were everywhere, wands at the ready in case Harry decided to play with them, live or no. Outside, the Joker's Mark still blazed, laughing incessantly. Harry and Ginny had even written "THIS HOUSE SUCKS!" in enormous letters above the Joker's Mark.  
  
"What happened here?" Fudge asked one Auror.  
  
"Well, Minister, as far as we can make out, Potter and Weasley broke into here, used something called a canary cream to turn the boy into a bird, and then proceeded to use curses on the aunt and uncle."  
  
"Are they well?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"See for yourself," the Auror said, pointing to the Muggles. Petunia was still shrieking over her new boils, and Vernon was thundering about getting slimmer.  
  
"I told you so, Albus," Fudge said. "I have to take harsher measures against the two. They're a threat to the world itself!"  
  
"Harry is merely going through a temporary phase," Dumbledore replied calmly.  
  
"A phase?" Fudge repeated. "No wizard does this sort of insanity, not even You-Know-Who!"  
  
"Listen, Fudge, Harry has been under the influence of a sugar high, and has recently gotten high off drugs. Ginny Weasley, as odd as it may sound, is only with him because they love each other, a fact which can be verified by paying attention to the fact that they are husband and wife!"  
  
Fudge blinked. "Married? At THEIR age?"  
  
"Harry wooed Ginny during his first sugar high, Transfigured some trophies into wedding rings, and they got hitched."  
  
"Nonetheless, we need to catch him and put a stop to this madness!"  
  
"Fudge, you cannot hope to stop Harry!" Dumbledore said. "His madness has somehow given him superhuman abilities, which he uses to evade danger and survive anything!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
Dumbledore shrugged. "I don't actually know, but it's a great theory."  
  
"It DOES explain most of this problem," Fudge agreed. "But back TO the problem: Harry and Ginny must be caught!"  
  
He stormed off. Dumbledore shook his head, praying that the two pranksters would be okay.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: Sorry if this is a little short, but I didn't have much substance to this chapter's ideas!  
  
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	9. South Hogwarts

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for the reviews and sorry for the wait!  
  
NOTE: This chapter contains lots of bad language. Do not read if you can't handle it.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 9: South Hogwarts  
  
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Sirius Black woke up in the morning and got a showed before putting on some wizard's robes. Lupin was still at Hogwarts, and hadn't sent an owl for a little while, but Sirius was sure that would change.  
  
Getting some breakfast, Sirius sat down in the large and comfy armchair that Lupin kept for himself, and he started to eat as he flipped on Lupin's TV. A screen came on, as did a voice.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching the premier episode of South Hogwarts!" the voice said, causing Sirius to spit out his food all over himself.  
  
"Not good!" the convict said. It had to be Harry's fault, with the kid being on the world's greatest highs yet.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
At Hogwarts, the real one, the students had all gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast. Dumbledore had Filch place a special movie projector where the Sorting Hat normally was, sitting on a stool in front of the High Table.  
  
"I wonder what that's for?" Hermione said to herself, absently rubbing her steadily-expanding gut.  
  
"Blimey, Hermione, you think Harry and Ginny could be up to something again?" Ron asked.  
  
Dumbledore stood up, silencing everyone before speaking.  
  
"The Ministry of Magic wishes to show us some very important things from the Muggle world, which relate to our own. I myself do not know why, but I dare not question this matter when important game is afoot."  
  
He motioned to Filch, who turned on the projector while Snape turned down the lights. An image was projected magically onto the Slytherin wall, and everyone got comfortable to watch, in case it was long.  
  
A scene appeared, one that looked exactly like Hogwarts, Hermione realized.  
  
'Oh crap,' she thought as she knew what was going to happen.  
  
Small figures, apparently children, came onto the screen and began talking to one another. Each one resembled a student from Hogwarts: Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Cedric. The characters begin talking.  
  
Harry: Man, can you believe that homework Snape gave us? I tell you, guys, he sure sucks balls.  
  
Ron: I know, Harry. I'm glad no one likes him. He's such a loser bastard. Even Trelawney is better than him.  
  
Cedric: You know, guys, tolerance and acceptance of other people is important, because they ultimately may hold your future in their hands.  
  
The others stare at him for a moment before speaking again.  
  
Harry: Man, no wonder Hufflepuff House sucks ass.  
  
Ron: Yeah, it's filled with faggots like you, Ced.  
  
Hermione: Oh, boys, here comes the bus!  
  
A yellow school buss pulls to a stop, and the door slides open to reveal Hagrid.  
  
Hagrid: Hiya, kids! I'm Hagrid, the Hairiest Bus Driver in the world!  
  
Harry: Damn, Hagrid, we did NOT need to know that.  
  
They all get onto the bus and go to school. Once there, they enter the classroom, the teacher of which is McGonagall. When she talks, it is like an old granny.  
  
McGonagall: Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior today for our new student, Draco Malfoy. Come in, sweetie.  
  
A South Park-styled Draco enters the classroom, with a large, blob-like figure following him in. Everyone realizes the figure is actually Crabbe and Goyle, who are sharing one body with two heads. Draco heads to the front of the classroom.  
  
McGonagall: Now sweetie, why don't you tell the class something about yourself?  
  
Draco smirks as he speaks.  
  
Draco: I am Draco Malfoy, and my dad is a filthy Death Eater that likes to give blowjobs to Voldemort, even though the Dark Lord has a shriveled little licorice dick.  
  
Harry: Dude, your dad is a total gay!  
  
Draco: Is not!  
  
Ron: Harry, calm down! We can frame him for something stupid later.  
  
The door opens and Snape enters.  
  
Snape: McGonagall, why are you acting like a fruitcake? You introduce Draco to class even though he's always been in it? Are you an idiot?  
  
McGonagall: I must be.  
  
Snape: Draco, sit down. I'll teach this class.  
  
As Draco and his crony take their seats, Snape begins writing on the board. Harry uses this chance and casts a spell on Draco's hair, causing it to turn pink. Draco turns around to face Harry.  
  
Draco: You're dead, Potter! When I get through with you, there won't be anything left!  
  
Harry: Kind of like your ass when that beaver crawled up it and into your stomach.  
  
The rest of the class snickers. Snape turns around with an angry expression.  
  
Snape: Twenty points from Gryffindor for that, Potter. I'll make sure you never cause trouble again.  
  
As he raises his wand, the door bursts open, and in strides Sirius Black.  
  
Sirius: Not so fast, slimeball!  
  
Snape: Who are you? Due to the fact that I am a total jackass, I have no intelligence.  
  
Sirius: I am Sirius Black, the Ugliest Man Alive. I cannot allow you to harm Harry Pothead---  
  
Harry: God DAMN it, Sirius, that's POTTER, not Pothead!  
  
Sirius: Whatever, bitch.  
  
Sirius and Snape begin to duel, while the students scream and run for cover. They rush down the halls, where a Percy Weasley character is trying to keep them all calm.  
  
Percy: Keep calm, everyone! This is just a practice session! Neither teacher has the intellect needed to perform a real spell.  
  
Ron: Percy, you idiot! You keep sucking up to your boss!  
  
Percy: That's because I'm a brown-noser.  
  
Harry: Come on; let's get outside or something.  
  
Harry and his friends rush outside, Cedric following, only to find a group of masked wizards.  
  
Harry & Ron: Who the fuck are you guys?  
  
Masked Wizard 1: We are the Shit Eaters, a tribute to the Death Eaters back when they actually had a chance in Hell of not being gay fuckheads.  
  
Ron: Man, you guys suck ass.  
  
Masked Wizard 1: Actually, we suck cock, and that's Voldemort's cock to you!  
  
Hermione: Who---gives---a---fuck? Just tell us who you are!  
  
The wizard removes his mask, proving he is Lucius Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy: And now you die!  
  
Dumbledore enters the scene.  
  
Dumbledore: Not so fast, Louie!  
  
Malfoy laughs.  
  
Malfoy: Who do you think we are, Dumbledore's Dancing Death Eaters? Those guys died out when Nixon was in office!  
  
Suddenly, a hissing old man's voice comes on.  
  
Voice: A fact I will prove true by demonstrating that my new men are greater than my old ones!  
  
With a puff of smoke, Voldemort, who resembles an old man in a wheelchair, enters.  
  
Voldemort: I am Lord Voldemort, leader of the Gay Brigade of Homosexual Slytherins.  
  
Harry: Yeah, dude, whatever.  
  
Voldemort and Dumbledore begin to duel, when Draco shows up.  
  
Draco: I told you I would get you, Potter.  
  
Harry: Draco, look behind you!  
  
Draco spins around, but sees nothing.  
  
Ron: God DAMN, what a moron!  
  
Hermione: Come on, guys, we need to get out of here!  
  
They run away from the fight, with Cedric following like a stupid puppy. They hide behind some trees, hoping to keep safe, but a moment later, Voldemort finds them.  
  
Voldemort: And now I have you!  
  
Voldemort raises his wand, and Cedric is blasted by the Killing Curse, dying in front of their eyes.  
  
Harry: Oh my God, they killed Cedric!  
  
Ron: You bastards!  
  
Hermione: Voldemort, it's your mother!  
  
Voldemort: Huh, where?  
  
Like an idiot, the elderly wizard turns around but sees Draco.  
  
Voldemort: Mommy?  
  
Draco: No, dumbass, I'm Draco Malfoy.  
  
Voldemort: Those brats say you're my mother, so you're my mother, damn it!  
  
As he chases Draco around, Harry and the gang run away back into school. As they do this, they pass the corpses of various Shit Eaters. Ron stops by Lucius' corpse and drops his pants.  
  
Ron: Eat this shit!  
  
He takes a very disgusting crap right on Malfoy's face, the turd sliding into Malfoy's open mouth.  
  
Just then, Ginny's character approaches Harry, looking happy.  
  
Ginny: Hello, Harry!  
  
Harry throws up on her shirt, and she runs away screaming. After she is gone, a tiny boy comes over with a camera in his hands.  
  
Colin: Hiya, Harry! Can I be your greatest fan?  
  
Harry: Yeah, whatever, queer.  
  
Colin is ecstatic with joy, and begins to jump up and down.  
  
Colin: Yay! I get to be Harry Potter's personal greatest fan!  
  
Hermione: Now I know why people hate fan clubs.  
  
Ron: Yeah. Harry, let's kill him.  
  
Harry: We don't have time. Potions starts in five minutes!  
  
The gang rushes to the dungeons and hastily take their seats before Snape enters.  
  
Snape: You'll be happy to know that I have defeated Sirius Black single- handedly.  
  
As the Slytherins cheered, Snape turned around to write the assignment on the board, and everyone froze, silent, as they read the message Sirius had taped on the jackass's back. It read, "Beat me; fuck me; love me!"  
  
Draco: Uh, Professor, you have a sign on your back!  
  
Snape rounds on Draco.  
  
Snape: And I bet you put it there! Get up here!  
  
Draco does this, and Snape puts the boy over his knee and begins to paddle him.  
  
Snape: Bad Draco, bad boy! Here, put this rubber dildo in your mouth, you little whore!  
  
He straps the item on against Draco's will, and continues to sadistically paddle the student. The whole class watches, totally shocked, until the door opens yet again, this time with Voldemort rolling in.  
  
Snape: Voldie baby, you've come back to me!  
  
Voldemort: You know the sex was too good between us to ever leave you, Snappy!  
  
Snape drops to his knees and begins to give Voldemort head, causing the students to shriek in terror and flee from the scene. As they rush down the halls, Filch's character tried to stop them.  
  
Filch: Every one of you kids had better calm down right now!  
  
Mrs. Norris meows in agreement. When the crowd has gone, Filch and his cat notice Draco Malfoy lying on the floor, moaning loudly.  
  
Draco: Aah! The beaver that crawled up my ass is coming back out!  
  
A loud squishing sound is heard as his ass expands outward abruptly, the seat of his pants ripping apart. Filch's face is shown with total horror before a THING jumps onto it, snarling viciously. His muffled screams are heard as the screen fades to black.  
  
A logo appears, one of Harry's unique top hat, and a voice begins speaking.  
  
Voice: This show has been brought to you by Mad Harry Entertainment, in association with White Ginny Productions.  
  
The whole show ends, the lights come back on, and every student in the Great Hall is utterly silent. Ron looked at Hermione with wide eyes and a pale complexion.  
  
"Well, we're all screwed now that Harry's blown the magical community's cover off."  
  
"Maybe not," Hermione said. "They could all think of this as just regular crude humor. That way, we're still safe from being discovered."  
  
"Hopefully."  
  
Dumbledore stood up again. "Everyone is to return to their dormitories until the staff is finished figuring out what the meaning of this is."  
  
Shrugging, the students did as told.  
  
Meanwhile, at Lupin's, Sirius was speechless.  
  
"Harry, what the hell is wrong with you? You'll be lucky if no one believes that shit!"  
  
At the Ministry of Magic, Fudge was going nuts.  
  
"Why can't we stop those two lunatics from destroying everything?" he demanded.  
  
"Maybe because they ARE lunatics?" one witch suggested.  
  
"Just catch them!" Fudge bellowed.  
  
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AUTHOR: Hope that wasn't TOO bad.  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	10. March of the Rubber Duckies

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait, but my computer crashed! Also, I have a new e-mail address!  
  
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Chapter 10: March of the Rubber Duckies  
  
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Cornelius Fudge was sleeping peacefully, enjoying his favorite dream--- being God---when a faint rumbling roused him. Blinking awake, he glanced around but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Confused, he was about to get more sleep when the sound came again: Like a footstep, only with a touch of rolling thunder.  
  
"The giants are back!" Fudge gasped, grabbing his wand and dressing hurriedly in a bathrobe. He rushed outside to see what was happening, only to find more of the town's wizards and witches looking around, also wondering what had awoken them.  
  
"Somebody must have some idea as to what's going on?" Fudge said, but received no immediate answer.  
  
"Look!" one wizard cried. "What is that thing?"  
  
Heads turned, jaws dropping LOW at the site that greeted their eyes: Mad Harry was riding atop what was unmistakably a giant rubber duck, with a vast army of regular-sized rubber ducks following him down the streets of the town. Harry was laughing like there was no tomorrow, but his wife, who was standing just behind him on the giant duck's head, didn't seem to share his exuberant attitude---at least, not as openly as he was.  
  
"Well, people, our hour has come!" Fudge said, trying to act heroically.  
  
"What are you going on about?" one witch asked. "I'M running for the hills! No one in their right mind would mess with Mad Harry, fully trained magician or no!"  
  
Everyone, seemingly agreeing with the witch, also ran for the hills, leaving a nervous Fudge to fend for himself.  
  
"Cowards!" he called weakly after them.  
  
Fudge spun around to find that Harry, along with the young lunatic's entire army, was standing before him, ready to pounce at a moment's notice. Harry was eyeing Fudge with a wicked gleam in his eye.  
  
"So, Tubby, how do you like your revenge?" Harry asked casually.  
  
"What?" Fudge said, puzzled.  
  
"I asked how you would like to be punished for all those times you didn't believe me."  
  
"Now, you listen here, Potter," Fudge said, pointing a finger at Harry and trying to act brave. "You and Ginny are both going straight to Azkaban when you've been arrested!"  
  
"Fat chance, Fat Man," Harry snorted. Then, striking the dramatic pose of a leader, he bellowed the order, "Attack!"  
  
Fudge watched in total horror as the army of ruby ducks began to ruthlessly eat away everything. Apparently, Harry and Ginny had magicked them to digest whatever their orange little bills got onto.  
  
"No, stop, that's my house!" Fudge shrieked. He began blasting the toys with curses, but they kept getting back up. He jabbed an accusing finger at Harry. "You are SO going to pay for this, young man!"  
  
Harry doubled over in amusement, pounding the giant toy's head with a fist. When he had recovered, he said, "Not this time, O Drunken One."  
  
Fudge was puzzled. "What are you talking about? I'm not drunk!"  
  
Harry nodded. "Not now, anyway, but everyone will THINK you are once Ginny turns on that hose."  
  
Fudge turned his attention to Ginny, who was aiming a fire hose at the plump Minister of Magic. Desperately, Fudge dropped to his knees. "Don't kill me!" he pleaded.  
  
Harry laughed heartily at this, grinning like a madman. "Put his fire out, Ginny dear."  
  
Without a word, Ginny turned on the hose, and a terribly odorous brown liquid began dousing Fudge, soaking him through and through. The Minister flailed uselessly, trying to avoid the assault, but it was no use; he was hit every time.  
  
As abruptly as it began, the spraying stopped. Fudge looked at Ginny, who was quietly putting away the hose. He looked then to Harry, who had a smug expression of supreme satisfaction. Fudge was confused by this.  
  
"What have you delinquents done?" he demanded.  
  
"Oh, nothing much," Harry replied nonchalantly.  
  
"What do you mean, nothing much?" Fudge said. "My clothes smell awful!"  
  
"That's the point," Ginny said, speaking up at last. "That way, no one will believe you."  
  
"What?" Fudge asked, more confused than before. "What did you two spray me with?"  
  
"Rum!" Harry informed the man. "That way, no witch or wizard in the world will believe your story of an army of marauding rubber ducks!"  
  
"But how does that work?" Fudge asked. "There were others that saw your army!"  
  
"No, they saw an army of hairy gorillas coming at them, with me in front," Harry said. "Me and Ginny here cast a few spells, just for our amusement."  
  
Fudge's cursing mingled with Harry and Ginny's maniacal laughter.  
  
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Ron and Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast. Neither was feeling very good, since they both had a strong suspicion that Harry and Ginny were up to no good. As they began to eat, the morning post flew in, and one owl dropped a copy of the Daily Prophet between the two. Ron took a glass of pumpkin juice, letting Hermione keep eating while he read the paper.  
  
Ron spit out his pumpkin juice when he saw the headline of the Daily Prophet's front-page article.  
  
"Hermione, look!" he said, showing them the paper. She gasped, and took the paper from Ron, reading aloud:  
  
" 'Mad Harry Potter, along with White Ginny Weasley, has struck again, this time in the village that Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge himself lives in. Fudge stated that Potter is now leading an army of marauding ruby ducks, and can be seen riding a giant rubber duck in the lead. The army, according to sources, can apparently eat just about anything, as it literally ate most of the homes in Fudge's village before vanishing with its leader. However, despite some traces of evidence, investigators say that Fudge has been knocking back heavily on the rum, as he was greatly soaked in it when found by Aurors. The Ministry of Magic is urging the wizarding public not to worry a thing about Mad Harry's attacks, as they do not involve armies of rubber ducks.' "  
  
"This is bad," Ron said. "We need to find a way to stop Harry once and for all!"  
  
Hermione glared at him. "And what about my problems?"  
  
"Well, if you're talking about your being pregnant, that's not because of me, is it?"  
  
Hermione slapped him. "You're such a jerk sometimes, Ron!"  
  
"What about Malfoy?" Ron suggested. "Do you think he might know something about this whole pregnancy thing?"  
  
Hermione shook her head. "I doubt it. Draco Malfoy is full of shit and doesn't know a damn thing about werewolves."  
  
"Well, what about you?" Ron asked. "You're obsessed with knowing everything, which is the main reason why you should actually be a Ravenclaw."  
  
Hermione slapped him again. "What was that, slave?"  
  
Ron, falling into the role of the henpecked husband, said, "Nothing, O Great and Merciful One."  
  
"Damn straight!"  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
Dumbledore had called an emergency meeting in his office, in lieu of Harry's recent attack. With him, Lupin, Snape, McGonagall, and Hagrid stood in front of Dumbledore's desk, awaiting his words.  
  
"Obviously, Harry and Ginny are beginning to think on a much larger scale than before," Dumbledore said. "We need to find whatever pattern or agenda they have, and exploit it. But we need some ideas."  
  
"I know!" Hagrid said. "Maybe they want to assassinate Jackie Chan!"  
  
"Hagrid, will you stop this damn obsession with people whose first name is Jackie?" Lupin snapped.  
  
"Well, I thought it was a possibility," Hagrid sobbed.  
  
"Oh, go stand in the corner, the both of you," McGonagall barked. "If you act like children, you'll be treated like them."  
  
"But I don't wanna!" Lupin wept.  
  
"Good God, Lupin," Snape sneered. "You really DO act like you're a Muggle in elementary school. Now go stand in the corner before I have a parent- teacher conference with your family!"  
  
"Yes sir," Lupin muttered weakly, and did as he was told.  
  
Dumbledore looked at the ceiling, gesturing helplessly. "Why me? Why does God have to hate me so much as to curse me with this insufferable lot of imbeciles?"  
  
McGonagall shrugged. "I don't know, maybe it's because you skipped church that one Sunday."  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "That sounds about right. But how do we stop Harry and Ginny?"  
  
McGonagall started. "You're asking me?"  
  
"You're his Head of House!"  
  
"You're the headmaster!" she shot back.  
  
"What about you?" Dumbledore asked Snape. "You're his evil teacher!"  
  
"Why does everyone in this school think I'm some sort of twisted psycho?" Snape demanded.  
  
"Probably because you are," Lupin muttered from the corner.  
  
"Quiet, you!" Snape hissed.  
  
"Will everyone please just shut up and try to help the situation instead of making things worse?" Dumbledore begged loudly.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore, Hagrid won't stop staring at me!" Lupin whined from the corner.  
  
Dumbledore began banging his head on the desk. McGonagall, fed up with the whole damn thing, stormed over, grabbed Lupin, and hauled him to his feet, staring him right in the eye.  
  
"Now you listen here, Lupin," she growled, "you're in a ton of trouble as it is. Your students are running amok, you got another student pregnant with your kid, and you are doing nothing to make things better!"  
  
"By better, do you mean buying them lollipops or something?" Lupin asked innocently.  
  
"No!" McGonagall thundered.  
  
"Okay, then, I'll act more responsible."  
  
"That's better," McGonagall said, letting him go.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore, Hagrid won't stop staring at me!" Snape whined.  
  
Both McGonagall and Dumbledore banged their heads on the desk.  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
AUTHOR: Well, that's all for now, and sorry if it's a little short!  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	11. Hogwarts' Most Wanted

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait!  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
Chapter 11: Hogwarts Most Wanted  
  
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At the Ministry, Cornelius Fudge was trying to act (AN: Intelligent?) in control of the situation. Ever since that rubber duck debacle, the whole Ministry had cast Fudge into a severe case of doubt, suspecting every word of his as nothing more than drunken ramblings.  
  
"Minister, we've got a sighting!" a witch said as she hurried over to her employer. "An owl just arrived, saying Ginny's been spotted!"  
  
"Where?" he demanded, eager to end the madness.  
  
"Driving around near Diagon Alley."  
  
"What are you talking about? How can she be driving?"  
  
The witch read the message again. "Apparently, sir, she's stolen a tank and is currently on a rampage!"  
  
Fudge's eyebrows shot up. "Scramble the Aurors! We must stop this!"  
  
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Outside the Leaky Cauldron, Ginny wheeled her "borrowed" tank about and stepped on the gas, plowing over a car and flattening it.  
  
"My car!" the Muggle cried. "My beautiful car!"  
  
"You can afford another one, you rich snob!" Ginny bellowed. She didn't much like being poor.  
  
"Look, there she is!" the lead Auror yelled.  
  
Together with the other five Aurors, he swooped down from above. Fudge had deemed it necessary to be spotted by Muggles if it meant catching Harry and Ginny.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Ginny leered as she fired a round right into the center of the oncoming Ministry enforces. A bright, flashing cloud of purple engulfed the group, and when they emerged, they had been covered in fuzzy yellow fur. Overall, they resembled rather hideous robed monkeys.  
  
"Now to see who's been naughty and who's been nice!" Ginny cackled as she rolled down the street. Boy, driving around in a stolen tank sure was fun!  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
"Where are those Weird Sisters?" demanded Lucius Malfoy. "I finally get a chance to relax after Potter's insane stunt, and now my chance could be blown!"  
  
Just then, the lights in the concert hall dimmed, and an announcer's voice came on.  
  
"Ladies and gender benders---tonight's performance of the Weird Sisters has been delayed, owing that they are a little tied up. But fear not, for in their place is a new singing sensation, the first white wizard rapper--- Harry P-Dog!"  
  
The curtains flew open to reveal Harry, this time dressed in a wife-beater, sideways golfer's visor, pant's baggy enough to fit Hagrid, and he had a microphone with him.  
  
"A'ight, who's in the hiz-ouse?" he called. When nobody said anything, everyone apparently too stunned by his sudden presence, he continued: "We gon' party till all dem white beyotches be wantin' sum o' my hunka-hunka burnin' love!"  
  
The rap music, which was incredibly corny, began playing, and Harry started singing:  
  
"Why y'all playing the playa, when he done nothing but be a rhyme-saya?  
  
Roll them doggies on the floor, cuz the Floo Powder's costin' more!  
  
Malfoy, he been smoking grass, with his head, up his ass!  
  
Hermy's the home girl, you know, cuz she got all the answers, yo!  
  
Ron, shake that booty, freckles, freckles, he ain't got to wear no spectacles,  
  
Ginny is the Mama, see, cuz she gon' suck on my weewee!  
  
McGonagall is so uptight, she makes y'all think she's Kryptonite!  
  
Dumbledore's the man because, he got all that white hairy fuzz!  
  
Snape is such a flippin' jerk, because your dad, he killed his smirk!  
  
Voldemort is such a punk, because that loser's got no spunk!  
  
"Thank you and goodnight, everybody!"  
  
And with that, he disappeared, from the stage, leaving the crowd wondering, "WTF?!"  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
Back at the Ministry, word was just arriving that Harry had usurped the Weird Sisters.  
  
"Has this lunatic no respect at all?" Fudge roared. "Those people are going to demand their money back, and we'll all look like idiots!"  
  
Outside Fudge's office, the Ministry members were scheming:  
  
"Okay, so it's agreed: We all say it was Fudge's fault, and then..."  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
At Hogwarts, Ron and Hermione were just sitting down to breakfast.  
  
"Man, I'm beat!" Ron exclaimed. "I'm so beat, I could eat Malfoy!"  
  
"Ron, I'm hoping that's just an expression," Hermione said.  
  
Ron shrugged, began drinking his pumpkin juice while reading the Daily Prophet, and spat is drink out, drenching Hermione. She looked furious, and was about to leap over the table and strangle him when he reminded her, "You're pregnant, remember? Don't want to hurt the pup!"  
  
"Oh, right," Hermione said, mentally slapping herself---before pulling out her wand and blasting him with a hex.  
  
"Now, it says here that Harry stole the Weird Sisters' performance while Ginny drove around London in a stolen army tank," Hermione read while Ron groaned from the floor. "Things are really getting bad."  
  
"Maybe we can have Neville stop him?" Ron suggested. "Or Fred and George? You never know what might work."  
  
Hermione brightened. "Ron, I think you caught onto something! We need to fight the best with the worst!"  
  
"Can we do that later? I'm kinda busy wallowing in pain on the floor at the moment."  
  
"No, silly, I want it now!" she roared, grabbing his leg and dragging him to Dumbledore's office.  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
AUTHOR: Short, but if you want, I'll revise it, so just request it in your reviews!  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	12. Hit The Gas, Not The Brake!

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 12: Hit The Gas, Not The Brake!  
  
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Hermione dragged Ron down the hallways by his leg, with him groaning from the hex she had blasted him with. Hermione, however, ignored his pained cries and continued to search for Dumbledore's office, swiftly finding it. She pulled Ron up to it, and fingered her chin as she tried to think about the password.  
  
"Now, what could it possibly be?" she muttered.  
  
"He like Muggle sweets, so maybe that's it!" Ron said, brightening. "Pixie Sticks!"  
  
When the gargoyle's eyes opened up, Hermione instinctively dove aside. A stream of arrows shot from each eye socket, stabbing into Ron's sweater. He danced and whirled wildly to avoid assault, but, incredibly, managed to get hit by EVERY SINGLE ARROW.  
  
"Good God, Ron, you are an idiot," Hermione said.  
  
"Why, thanks, Hermione," Ron said proudly.  
  
"Oh, there you two are," Dumbledore said. He approached, with Snape, Lupin, Hagrid, and McGonagall in tow. "I have decided to hold another meeting, to discuss what we should do to solve Harry's problem."  
  
When Dumbledore had stepped forward to say the password, Lupin told Hermione and Ron, "He actually wanted us to vote which flavor of Applejacks should come next."  
  
Dumbledore led the group into his office, and he took a seat behind his desk. "Now, I know that Harry and Ginny have been causing some major trouble around here lately, but I have the perfect plan."  
  
"And that would be?" Snape asked.  
  
"We put a copy of Alice In Wonderland inside a hole in the ground, and throw a net on Harry and Ginny when they show up. I saw on a Muggle TV show with yellow people, the father figure of which was a fat, drunker loser."  
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
"But Professor, that won't work!" Hagrid said.  
  
"He's right," McGonagall agreed.  
  
"You'll need TWO copies of the book!" Hagrid finished, causing everyone but Dumbledore to clap a hand on his or her forehead.  
  
"I am surrounded by idiots," Snape growled.  
  
"Well, my plan is the only one I here," Dumbledore said. "Any other bright ideas?"  
  
"We could cover the floor in fly paper!" Ron suggested.  
  
Hermione slapped him upside the head. "God, you are so stupid!"  
  
"I know!" Lupin said. "We can just offer Snape as a human sacrifice! No one will miss that!"  
  
"Actually, that IS a good idea," McGonagall said.  
  
As the others began to agree, Snape realized he was screwed. 'Why did I have to get a job in THIS rat hole?' He quietly snuck out the door.  
  
"Hey, Snape's gone!" Ron said.  
  
"That's okay, we can use Lupin," McGonagall said.  
  
"What?" Lupin shrieked. "I'm the nice guy! You're the one with the temper!"  
  
"Watch it, buster!" McGonagall warned.  
  
"Yes, Professor McGonagall," Lupin said, cowering in fear.  
  
Dumbledore shook his head. "God, what a coward."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Downstairs, Snape was patting himself on the back for escaping Dumbledore's office.  
  
"Always knew he was never smart enough for me," the Potions master grinned.  
  
"Hold it right there, grease-ball!" Hermione said, rushing into the teacher's dungeon.  
  
Snape stood up. "So, you want of piece of Snape, eh?"  
  
"I want the whole thing!"  
  
"Fine then! We'll settle this the only way possible---an arm wrestle!"  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Harry was sleeping peacefully when Ginny began shaking him to rouse him from his slumber.  
  
"Harry, wake up!" she begged.  
  
"What, what is it?" he said drowsily.  
  
"You promised to teach me how to drive, remember?"  
  
"Oh, right." Harry dressed himself and led Ginny to the car outside. "This, Ginny, is a car. Muggles use it for transportation---and when an angry wife permanently settles things with her cheating, no-good husband."  
  
"Right," Ginny nodded in understanding.  
  
"Now, you sit in the seat, buckle up, insert the key in the ignition, turn the key to start the car, and off you go."  
  
They both got into the car, Harry riding shotgun with Ginny in the driver's seat. She put the key in the ignition and turned the vehicle on.  
  
"Now what?" she asked.  
  
"Simple: You put the car into reverse, back out of the driveway, and ignore any victims."  
  
Ginny did as told, casually ignoring the terrified cries of the night jogger she backed over. When she was out of the driveway, she looked to Harry for more advice.  
  
"Press the pedal on the left with your right foot, and floor it," he advised.  
  
Ginny did so, and the car flew down the right at blinding speeds. She swerved around corners, causing black streaks and angry shouts from pedestrians.  
  
"Harry, this is a lot of fun!" she squealed.  
  
"I know!" he laughed as he hexed people they passed.  
  
After a couple of minutes, they heard the sounds of sirens from behind. Glancing back, Harry scowled when he recognized the police cars.  
  
"Those jerks always show up at the worst of times," he said.  
  
"Should I stop?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Hit the gas, Ginny, not the brake!"  
  
Ginny shrugged, slamming the accelerator down hard enough to almost break it. The car flew forward even further, outracing the police car and getting away.  
  
"You know, Harry, I rather like this driving idea!" Ginny cackled.  
  
"Let's put the fake sirens on and pull people over!" Harry suggested gleefully.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"License and registration, please," Harry asked.  
  
"But you're just a kid!" the Muggle said. "How the hell can you be a cop?"  
  
"Hey!" Harry snapped. "Respect my authorita!" He whipped out his nightstick and whacked the man upside the head. "License and registration, punk!"  
  
"Yes, sir!" the man whimpered.  
  
Harry examined the items. He glowered at the man suspiciously.  
  
"Says here you're forty."  
  
"I am," the man responded.  
  
"You expect me to believe that load of crap? You're fifteen, don't deny it!" Harry viciously clubbed the man again.  
  
"Please, I don't deserve this!" the man begged.  
  
"Sure you do!" Harry laughed.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"License and registration, please," Ginny requested. After Harry had finished his "interrogation," he had given his wife a chance to torture another person.  
  
"Whatever," the Muggle man muttered.  
  
"What was that?" Ginny demanded. She looked deceptively cute in her cop's uniform.  
  
"I said 'Whatever,'" the man answered.  
  
"Don't lie to me!" Ginny barked, causing the man to cringe. "I want to see some freakin' licenses and registrations, right now!"  
  
"Okay, fine, I give!" the man said.  
  
"License, registration, urine sample!" Ginny demanded.  
  
"Urine sample?" the man repeated. "Are you nuts?"  
  
Ginny sprayed him in the eyes with some mace. The man, jerking about in his seat.  
  
"You've blinded me!" he cried.  
  
"I also want some proof that you're who you say you are," Ginny said, ignoring his cries. "Can you prove you didn't commit that murder?"  
  
"What murder?"  
  
"Murder?" Ginny echoed. "Who said anything about a murder?"  
  
"You did!"  
  
"You're under arrest, scumbag!" she declared, pulling him out of his car and slapping the handcuffs on him.  
  
"You're mad!" he exclaimed.  
  
"So's your mother," Ginny replied.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"God, how can these two cause some much havoc?" Fred asked.  
  
"Don't ask me," Malfoy said. "She's YOUR sister!"  
  
"Yeah, well, Snape's YOUR Head of House!" George countered.  
  
Hermione and Snape had started out merely in the traditional sense of "arm wrestling," but had now become much more vicious. They were mercilessly hitting each other with anything they could grab, including other people.  
  
"Can't believe they actually wrecked the entire Great Hall," Seamus said in awe.  
  
"That's nothing," Lavender said. "Hermione intentionally tricked Snape into having them maneuver their way into Professor Trelawney's room, just so she could fix that woman."  
  
"Give in, girl!" Snape growled. "You're no match for me!"  
  
"No match for your breath, perhaps!" Hermione shot back as the arm wrestle continued furiously.  
  
"Wait a sec, Hermione's pregnant!" Ron gasped. "How can she do this?"  
  
"Hermione's pregnant?" the other Gryffindors echoed.  
  
"No wonder she looks so fat," Pavarti said. "And here I thought she was back to liking house-elves."  
  
"Eat my shorts!" Hermione cried in triumph as she socked Snape right in the nose.  
  
He released his grip, reeling back while clutching his busted mug. "My beautiful, beautiful face! You've ruined it forever!"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's not like you were ever good-looking." Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Oh crap."  
  
"What?" the other Gryffindors asked.  
  
"I think my water just broke from all that exercise."  
  
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AUTHOR: Will things ever get back to normal?  
  
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	13. You Little Brat!

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait!  
  
TO Icey-Kristal: What the hell would I do that for?!  
  
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Chapter 13: You Little Brat!  
  
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Ron and the others stared in shock.  
  
"But I don't get it," Ron said. "If her water broke, why don't we just get her a new glass or something?"  
  
Malfoy whacked Ron upside the head. "Weasley, are you stupid or something? When a woman's water breaks, it means she's about to have a kid!"  
  
"Even /I/ knew that, Ron," Cho Chang sneered.  
  
"Who cares about you?" Fred snapped.  
  
"Yeah!" George agreed. "This is the first time you've been in this story!"  
  
Cho's sneer vanished, replaced by a very sad expression. "And I was going to be so popular once people mentioned me in the reviews..."  
  
Fred shoved her aside. "Look, we need to get Hermione down to the hospital wing at once. We don't need a kid doing newborn kid stuff where we eat."  
  
"Okay, people, hoist her up and carry her like in those Tarzan movies!" George ordered. Everyone stared at him. "I like Jane," he said sheepishly, looking at the floor.  
  
"Oh, the pain!" Hermione cried loudly, clutched her swollen gut. "Do something, you idiots!"  
  
"Come on!" said Lavender. "Let's get her to the hospital wing, pronto!"  
  
And so the group of students, save for Malfoy, carried Hermione as though she were body surfing at a Metallica concert all the way to the hospital wing, setting her down in a spare bed.  
  
"Good heavens!" Madam Pomfrey gasped when she saw the situation. "I don't know how to perform a delivery!"  
  
"Just do something, woman!" Ron said.  
  
Pomfrey whipped out her wand. "Watch it, shrimp!"  
  
"OH, the pain!" Hermione moaned again.  
  
Ron knelt by her side. "Hermione, is there anything I can do to ease the pain?"  
  
"Yes. Go and get Professor Lupin, quick."  
  
Ron went off like a rocket, returning faster than the others would have thought possible. Lupin knelt at Hermione's side this time.  
  
"Hermione, can you ever forgive me?" he asked.  
  
"I suppose I might," she replied, "but only if you do me one favor."  
  
"Anything!" he promised.  
  
"Pull my finger," she begged weakly, holding up her hand, index finger extended.  
  
"Professor, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the others screamed as Lupin performed the request.  
  
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Ron and the other struggled to their feet, barely able to recall what had knocked them out. Ron rubbed his head, glancing around. The air smelled faintly of garlic and methane, and a couple batches of rotten eggs, but was otherwise perfectly normal.  
  
"Ron, damn it, help me!" Hermione snapped. "I'm not having this kid alone!"  
  
Ron hurried to her side as everyone else in the hospital wing began waking up.  
  
"Why's everybody scattered all around the hospital wing?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh, well, Lupin pulled my finger," Hermione chuckled before having another contraction.  
  
Ron shuddered.  
  
"Anyway, get on with helping me already!" Hermione demanded. "This kid wants out!"  
  
"Professor, you'll need to stick your head under this sheet and tell me what it looks like," Pomfrey advised.  
  
Lupin made a disgusted expression. "But it's probably all yucky down there!"  
  
Hermione pointed her wand at him. "You'll do it and you'll like it, buster!"  
  
Lupin gulped and did as told. After a moment, he screamed and pulled his head back out. Everyone stared at his face, which was dripping wet.  
  
"You urinated all over my face!" he said to Hermione.  
  
"It wasn't me, you moron!" she barked. "It was the stupid kid!" Just then, her gut shifted, and she seemed relieved. "Oh good, it's coming closer to the exit! Lupin, get a status report or something!"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Lupin did so, and said from underneath the cloth, "I can see it! The baby's coming out!"  
  
Without warning, the gut shifted back to its original position.  
  
"WHAT?" Hermione roared. "Don't want to come out, huh? I'll MAKE you come out, you little brat!"  
  
"Hermione, don't!" Ron said as he held her arm away from her distended gut, as she had aimed her wand at it.  
  
"This is getting ridiculous!" Fred said. "We've got to get that kid out!"  
  
"I know!" George said. "Let's get a mallet!"  
  
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Hermione did the best she could, but the little bugger wouldn't come out. She took in another lungful of air and tried pushing again.  
  
'Come on, already!' she thought angrily. 'Just what could be so important that you would want to stay inside for?'  
  
Just then, the twins returned and, hefting the large mallet over their shoulders, charged at Hermione with a great battle cry.  
  
Hermione's eyes bulged like dinner plates. "Are you two NUTS?!"  
  
Ignoring her, the twins swung down, slamming the mallet into her gut and propelling the baby out like a missile---straight into Lupin's face. It impacted like a cannonball, sending the professor flying backwards into a wall and knocking him out cold. The baby, free of the umbilical cord but still bloody, giggled and began playing with Lupin's face, twisting his nose and ears while poking him in the eyes.  
  
"Aw, what a beautiful baby girl," Ron said.  
  
"A girl, eh?" Hermione said. "I thought she was some terrible little boy, she was so much trouble."  
  
"Kind of like her mother," Ron said dreamily...right before Hermione threw her bedpan at the back of his head. "OW!"  
  
"But what do we name her," Hermione said to herself.  
  
"You mean you haven't thought up a name, even with all the time you've had carrying her around?" Fred asked, sounding annoyed.  
  
"Hey, I had Harry to worry about too!" Hermione snarled.  
  
"Well, I suppose that /is/ a valid excuse," George said before getting Stunned.  
  
"Now, what will your name be," Hermione said. "How about Madison?"  
  
"Sounds good enough to me," Ron said, still rubbing the sore spot from where the bedpan hit him. "What do we do about Professor Lupin?"  
  
"Tell him the good news when he wakes up, stupid," Hermione answered. "Get her over here before she mangles her daddy's mediocre looks."  
  
Ron picked up Madison, but the baby tried to bite him. He decided to grab the umbilical cord and hold her that way, carrying her over to Hermione.  
  
"Gee, Ron, you handled a newborn so well I'll let you baby-sit," Hermione said sarcastically.  
  
"Really?" Ron asked, sounding extremely hopeful.  
  
"No, you idiot!" she snapped. "You carried my kid by the umbilical cord! What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Your kid tried to bite me!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"What do you mean, so? I could have been turned into a werewolf or something!"  
  
"It might have been an improvement!"  
  
Just then, the hospital wing doors opened, and Professor Dumbledore strode in cheerily.  
  
"I have just figured out a way---" he said before spotting all the blood, Lupin on the floor, and scooping out the rest of the scene. He turned on his heel so he wouldn't see it. "Eww!"  
  
"Oh, grow up!" Hermione snapped. "What do you want?"  
  
Dumbledore didn't turn around as he said, "Well, I think our best bet really /is/ to dig a hole outside and put something in it that Harry might like."  
  
Hermione considered this. "Yeah, I suppose it'll work. But Lupin won't be going."  
  
"What? Why not?"  
  
"Because he's passed out on the floor."  
  
"Yeah, I'd say that's a good reason not to go," Dumbledore replied. "Anyway, I'll get some people together and we'll set the trap."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: Hope that was okay!  
  
READ N REVIEW! 


	14. Hook, Line And Harry

I Did WHAT?  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait!  
  
TO PinkChubbyMOnkey: I myself am unsure if there is a love triangle.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 14: Hook, Line And Harry  
  
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In Dumbledore's office, the headmaster met with McGonagall, Ron, Fred, Hagrid, and Snape, who had recently recovered from his extreme battle with Hermione.  
  
"And so," Dumbledore concluded, "that is my master plan to catch Harry and Ginny."  
  
"Brilliant," Snape said sarcastically. "We're going to dig a hole in the ground."  
  
"Ah, but not just any hole!" Dumbledore smiled. "This will be a very special hole."  
  
"Will it be an asshole?" Fred asked.  
  
"No, unfortunately, Professor Snape fills that position at the school most adequately," Dumbledore replied.  
  
Ron swore loudly.  
  
"Watch the language, Mr. Weasley!" McGonagall snapped, waving a hand around and poking Snape in the eye.  
  
"OUCH!" he cried. "Watch where you're swinging that hand, woman!"  
  
"Oh, sorry," McGonagall apologized. "Didn't see you there." She did that shifty eye thing. (AN: You know, where the person glances this way and that suspiciously?)  
  
"Oh, who cares?" Dumbledore said impatiently. "We need to capture our friends right now. To the school lawn---or whatever it's called."  
  
They all went down near Hagrid's cabin and dug a large hole close to the Forbidden Forest. While they were all digging, odd things kept happening:  
  
"Weasley, damn it, do NOT throw the dirt at me!" Snape yelled angrily.  
  
"Sorry, Professor Snape, didn't see you there," Ron apologized, doing the shifty eyes.  
  
Once they were finished, Dumbledore conjured up a small wall of sandbags, behind which the group hid.  
  
"What did we put in the hole, Professor?" Fred asked Dumbledore.  
  
"Some bait."  
  
Even though it was getting dark, the group saw a figure moving towards the hole. Jumping up, Dumbledore managed to Stun the figure, who promptly fell to the ground.  
  
"Well?" McGonagall demanded. "Who is it?"  
  
"Lupin," Dumbledore answered.  
  
"WHAT?" they all gasped.  
  
"I believe I might have accidentally put some Kibbles N Bits in the hole for bait," Dumbledore apologized. Once Lupin was moved out of sight, new bait was put in the hole.  
  
"We lie in wait for the rare Harryus Potterus, a very rare form of wizard indeed," Ron said, goofing off with a pair of binoculars.  
  
"Ron, cut that out," Fred asked.  
  
"Here comes another!" hissed McGonagall.  
  
Sure enough, something jumped into the whole and was now making weird noises, which sounded reminiscent of a couple obscenely making out. Dumbledore Stunned whoever was inside and dragged him or her out.  
  
"Blimey!" Hagrid gaped. "It's Lockhart!"  
  
"What did we use to attract /him/?" Snape asked.  
  
"A mirror, apparently," McGonagall said, holding up the object.  
  
Dumbledore rubbed his forehead, grumbling. "It always happens to me."  
  
"Let's just keep trying, eh?" Ron suggested.  
  
"Aha!" Fred exclaimed. "You said 'Eh' and are thus Canadian, proving you're really adopted!"  
  
"What?" Ron said, becoming confused.  
  
"Everyone shut up and get back to trapping," Dumbledore said.  
  
More bait was put in, and they once again waited.  
  
"Anyone smell that?" McGonagall asked, sniffing the air.  
  
"UGH!" Snape said, thoroughly disgusted at what he was smelling. "Who did that?"  
  
"He who smelt it, dealt it," Fred said seriously. "Must have been McGonagall."  
  
"It most certainly was not!" she said indignantly.  
  
"Look, it's another one!" Ron said.  
  
"STUPEFY!" Dumbledore said.  
  
The newest figure collapsed to the ground, and the trappers hurried to see who it was.  
  
"Hermione?" Ron gaped. "I don't get it!"  
  
"Apparently, our latest bait was a book," McGonagall said, showing everyone.  
  
Snape clapped a hand onto his forehead. "I must be the only intelligent person here."  
  
"Can we please keep trying?" Hagrid begged.  
  
Again, the trap was set, and the waiting began.  
  
"Why don't we just use Snape?" Ron asked. "The chance to nail him would attract Harry instantly!"  
  
"Good idea," Dumbledore said. "Get the rat bastard!"  
  
Snape screamed like a little girl and tried to run, but was tackled by Hagrid, linebacker style. He was tossed into the hole, and the waiting began again.  
  
"Shh!" McGonagall hissed. "Someone's coming!"  
  
Sure to Ron's prediction, Harry cautiously sneaked out of the Forbidden Forest, carrying a sack of what seemed like dog treats over one shoulder. He was glancing around suspiciously, but didn't notice the small sandbag wall where everyone was hiding, even though their heads were perfectly seeable.  
  
"Hmm," he said, studying the hole. "I've been looking for one of these things all night."  
  
And, to everyone's shocked horror, he turned around and began lowering his pants.  
  
"He's going to crap on Snape!" Fred said. "GO, Harry, GO!"  
  
"Aha!" Ginny said from behind.  
  
Everyone turned to find Ron's little sister standing there, wand drawn and still dressed in the White Rabbit costume.  
  
"Ginny, it's Harry being coddled by another girl, who's stealing your place!" Ron improvised, pointing over her shoulder.  
  
"Where?" Ginny demanded, whirling.  
  
While she was turned, Ron yelled "JUDO CHOP!" and cracked her on the neck. Ginny crumpled like a sack of dirt.  
  
"Gotcha!" Ron said triumphantly.  
  
Without warning, police lights came on, surprising everyone. A short cop stepped over to Ron and began cuffing him.  
  
"You're under arrest, young man, for malicious assault on a story book character," the cop said.  
  
"It's Harry!" Hagrid said.  
  
"Crap," muttered the cop. Discarding the outfit, Harry glared at them in his Mad Hatter garb. "You actually think you can catch me?"  
  
"Look out!" Fred screamed hysterically. "Hermione's kid's coming this way!"  
  
While the others ran for more cover, Harry turned around, cocking an eyebrow when he saw little Madison crawling towards him.  
  
"Aw, such a cute little baby," he said, bending down to pick her up.  
  
Roaring exactly like a lion, Madison snapped at Harry, causing him to withdraw his hand and back away hastily.  
  
"Holy Moly," he said. "That kid got game."  
  
"STUPEFY!" someone behind him yelled, blasting Harry off his feet.  
  
Striding over with a triumphant smile, Dumbledore made sure Harry was fine.  
  
"Uh, Professor Dumbledore, what are we going to do about Snape?" Fred asked.  
  
"He can stay in the hole, I suppose."  
  
"Right, then," McGonagall said. "Let's get these two troublemakers up to the castle."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: Short, maybe, but worth it!  
  
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	15. The Case Of The Munchies

I Did WHAT? 

By Blackheart Syaoran 

AUTHOR: Thanks for reviewing and sorry for the wait! 

TO Hermy: I used Croc Hunter spoofs for chapter 14. 

TO Tabitha Jotbins: Your link was a little incorrect, and when I found the site I couldn't find the pictures, but I'll try again, and thanks for drawing Harry and Ginny; I'm sure lots of people will appreciate it. 

TO GingerRed: It isn't easy coming up with idea, believe me. 

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Chapter 15: The Case Of The Munchies 

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Ron, Fred, McGonagall, Hagrid, and Dumbledore placed Harry and Ginny on stretchers that Dumbledore conjured up, making sure the two lunatics wouldn't be escaping again.  They were halfway to the castle steps when Fred paused.  

"Hold up," he said.  "Aren't we forgetting the others?" 

"What others?" McGonagall asked. 

"You know!  We lured a bunch of other people into that hole, not to mention we threw Snape in there!" 

"Oh, _those_ others!" McGonagall said.  "Should we bother getting them?" 

"Nah," Dumbledore said.  "They'll just slow us down." 

"This isn't the desert!" Ron said.  

"And just how can you be so sure?" Dumbledore asked.  "Have you ever seen any proof that there aren't loads of sand all over this area of the countryside?" 

Ron's face took on a perplexed expression as he said, "What?" to no one in particular.  

"Can we please finish getting the psychopaths into the castle?" McGonagall begged.  

"Oh, all right," Dumbledore grumbled.  "But it'll cost you an extra five bucks." 

"Bucks?" Fred repeated.  "But we're British!  We use pounds!" 

"We're British?" Hagrid said.  "I thought we were wizards and witches and stuff!" 

"Yeah, and what's all this about pounds?" Ron demanded.  "I don't want to have to give any of you weirdoes a pound of my flesh!  I'm enough of a featherweight as it is!" 

"No, no, no, you're getting it all wrong," Dumbledore informed Ron.  "Pounds are the currency the British use, and seeing the kind of confusion they have caused, I thought ahead, opting to use bucks." 

"What kind of bucks?" Hagrid asked suspiciously.  

"This kind," Dumbledore said, and he hurried off into the Forbidden Forest for a few minutes before returning with one of the centaurs.  

"That's not a buck!" McGonagall snapped.  

"Oh, right," Dumbledore said.  He pulled a pair of fake antlers from his robes and perched them on the centaur's head.  "Now he is." 

McGonagall threw her hands up.  "That's it, I'm not bothering with this man anymore." 

"I'm not a man!" Dumbledore said proudly.  "I'm a _wizard_!"  His eyes flashed repeatedly when he said this.  

"Ron, stop goofing off with that flashlight," Fred scolded.  "You're blinding Professor Dumbledore."  

"Sorry," Ron said, putting the device away.  

"Let's just put these two inside, huh?" Hagrid suggested.  

"Oh, fine, have it your way!" Dumbledore snapped, and the gang resumed carrying Harry and Ginny into the castle.  

Once they reached the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey jumped up in shock upon seeing her new charges.  

"Harry Potter!  Ginny Weasley!  Where did you find them?" she demanded. 

"They were…at a U2 concert!" Ron improvised.  "Yeah, that's it, a U2 concert!" 

Pomfrey eyed him suspiciously.  

"It's not important, Poppy," Dumbledore said.  "We need you to mend their broken bodies." 

"Their bodies are broken?" Pomfrey shrieked.  

"No, actually, they aren't, but that was a good line to use, wasn't it?" 

"Ignore him," McGonagall advised.  "Just hurry up and help these two." 

"Oh, all right," Pomfrey groaned.  

The others left, and she got to work on Harry first, feeling certain that he was the more dangerous of the two.  She squinted her eyes when she noticed a small yellow tag next to a small flower on his vest, and she read it.  

"Smell me," the tag read.  Shrugging, Pomfrey leaned down to smell the flower.  When she did, however, a spray of liquid caught her in the eye, and she stumbled about, flailing her arms wildly as she screamed.  

"Gotcha!" Harry said, leaping up from the hospital bed.  "Nobody catches Mad Harry!" 

"Ahem." 

"Or White Ginny," he promptly added.  "Now, we ride!" 

"But we haven't any brooms!" Ginny reminded her husband. 

"Oh, right.  Well, then, we'll run!" 

And they broke into a run for the door.  Then, without warning, suddenly, abruptly, and quite out of the blue, Harry stopped, crying out and clutching his stomach as he fell to the floor.  

"Harry, what is it?" Ginny asked, stricken with concern.  

"No…food," he replied.  "Feeling…the munchies…Must eat…something…preferably Snape…" 

Before Ginny could find Snape, subdue him, and feed him to her ailing husband, the hospital wing doors flew open to reveal Dumbledore, McGonagall, Ron, Fred, George, Hagrid, Hermione, and baby Madison.  

"Caught you in the act of escaping, I see," Dumbledore said.  

"Um, no," Ginny replied, trying to work the situation into her favor.  "I was just looking for…the bathroom!  Yeah, that's it, I was looking for the bathroom!" 

"Oops, my bad!" Dumbledore said, feeling like an idiot.  "It's down the corridor and to the right." 

"Thank you," Ginny said, moving to leave.  

"Professor!" Hermione snapped.  "She's not supposed to leave!  She's a wanted criminal, and she needs help!" 

"Damn, I screwed up again," Dumbledore said.  "Hold it right there, little missy!" 

Ginny crouched down, attempting to leap away like a frog, but when she jumped forward, Hagrid caught her easily with the aid of a huge baseball glove.  

"Nice catch, Hagrid," Ron commented.  

"I only wish it was autographed," Hagrid sobbed.  

"Oh, here," McGonagall hissed, grabbing Ginny by the hair and using a quill to sign her name on Ginny's forehead.  "There, signed by Magnificent Minerva McGonagall." 

"But you're not magnificent!" Fred said. 

"Yeah, where'd that come from?" George asked. 

"From _this_, punk!" McGonagall said, whipping around and showing off the cape she was wearing: On it were bold, golden letters saying, "MAGNIFICENT ONE." 

"Nice," the twins commented.  

"Will you two help?" Hermione demanded.  She was trying to keep Ginny from escaping, and the two had become locked in struggle.  

"I thought you were tough, Hermione!" Ginny sneered.  "You've gotten weak from playing the good girl!" 

"Play this!" Hermione retorted, spinning the arrows.  "Left foot on green!" 

Ginny leaned over Hermione, placing her left foot on the green circle.  "Spin the arrows!" 

"Right elbow on blue," Ron informed the girls, and Hermione began reaching for the spot.  

"Where'd they find a Twister game?" Hagrid asked.  

"Who cares?" Dumbledore asked.  "I get to play the winner." 

"Oh no you don't," McGonagall said.  "You're playing me, right now, in the _ultimate_ sport—volleyball!" 

With a wave of his wand, Dumbledore set up the net, and McGonagall served.  However, being tall, Dumbledore had little trouble spiking it.  

But then McGonagall dove forward, knocking the ball back up and keeping the game going.  She hit it back to Dumbledore's side, and the game raged onward.  

"Man, things are getting weird," Ron said.  "You think it's just because Harry has the munchies?" 

"Must be," Fred said.  "Yikes!" 

Madison had just come over to Fred's foot and tried to sink her adorable baby teeth in.  

"Dangerous little bugger," George said.  "Don't know what Hermione sees in her." 

"That's not important!" Ron snapped.  "Hey, I just snapped!  Anyway, we need to get Harry some food, and stuff without sugar!" 

The twins nodded and raced off, returning a moment later with the goods.  

"How'd you guys get so much?" Ron asked, amazed at how much they had.  

"Apparently, the house-elves have tons of this sugar-free stuff," George answered.  

Ron grabbed a bunch of the goods and ran to Harry's side.  The Boy-Who-Lived was still writhing on the floor, moaning loudly.  

"Don't worry, Harry," Ron said.  "I'll help you." 

Shoving some of the food into Harry's open mouth, Ron prayed silently: _God, please help Harry and Ginny become normal again…and could you tell Santa Claus to get me that new broom for Christmas?  _

"Ron," Harry said weakly. 

"Harry, you're getting better!" Ron cried happily.  "Come on, wake up!"  

Ron began slapping Harry like a pimp slaps his prostitute when demanding his money.  

"Ow, Ron, stop, that hurts!" Harry said, trying to push away his friend.  But his muscles were still weak from the munchies, and he couldn't manage well.  

**********************************************************************

"Harry, wake up!" Ron's voice yelled distantly.  

Slowly, Harry opened his eyes, wondering what was going on now.  He looked around, seeing he was at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, at breakfast.  Ron and Hermione were sitting across from him, mildly concerned expressions on their faces.  

"What happened?" Harry asked.  

"You were really tired when you woke up, mate," Ron said.  "You kept saying you wanted to eat all the food on all the House tables, and maybe even Snape.  Harry, are you sick?" 

"I'm just really tired," Harry answered.  "I had this horrible dream that I lost my mind and began calling myself Mad Harry while terrorizing everyone.  And you know what was really weird?" 

Ron and Hermione shook their heads.  

"In the dream, I was married to Ginny." 

"Well, I'd say that certainly is expected," Hermione said, turning her attention to the _Daily Prophet_.  

"How so?" Harry asked her.  

"Because you really _are_ married to Ginny," Hermione replied, pointing to his left hand.  There was, to Harry's great shock, a golden wedding ring on his ring finger.  

"W-when did this happen?" he demanded.  

"Last night," Hermione told him.  "You don't remember?" 

"I dreamt a whole bunch of misadventures and wake up to find myself living them for real?" Harry demanded loudly, unable to believe what was happening.  

"I dunno, mate," Ron said.  "But then again, you're getting me all confused."  

"How?" Harry asked.  

"Because you're only married to Ginny for the school play," Ron said.  "Hermione wasn't lying, but you and Ginny technically aren't married like people normally get." 

"Oh," Harry said, calming down.  It had all been a terrible, terrible dream.  "Where's Ginny?" 

"Right here," she said from behind him.  

Harry turned around and felt his jaw hit the floor.  Ginny was wearing her White Ginny outfit, looking just as heavenly as ever.  

"Harry, are you sure you don't remember anything from last night?" Hermione asked.  

"No, not really.  Why?" 

"Because that was when you came up with the idea to do the Mad Harry play and told it to Professor Dumbledore.  You went on for a couple of hours, using all kinds of wild descriptions and jokes.  It was all really great, and he said he'd give the okay to do a school play.  You came back to the tower and got right to work with Ginny making all kinds of stuff."  

Harry sighed greatly, relief flooding through him.  "So it was all just some vision.  Thank God." 

"Come on, Harry," Ginny said.  "I want to see you in your Mad Harry costume." 

"Okay," he surrendered.  "I just hope nothing else happens to set off those freaky misadventures." 

"Everything's going to be fine, Harry," Hermione assured him.  

"Are you sure you don't have a little girl named Madison?" he asked. 

"Of course not!" Hermione snapped, turning red.  

"Okay, just making sure." 

Harry got up from the table, following Ginny out of the Great Hall, feeling extremely relieved that it was all a dream.  

The End………_or is it?_  

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